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There is a lot of live music being performed out there these days. This can be both a curse and a blessing, for with the good comes the tripe you’d rather eat a microphone stand than listen to. How can you quickly tell what’s going to be good, and what’s going to be a waste of time, without spending hours trying to figure it out? What are the early warning signs to tell awesome and awful acts apart?

The proven tips below are pretty much guaranteed* to help you separate the bands/artists of quality from the real duds. Disagreements, or additional suggestions, can be taken up with me directly.

* Not necessarily guaranteed, there are always exceptions

1) The Pre-Show

The quality of the warm-up music (NOT the warm-up band) playing before/between sets is usually the direct opposite caliber of what you’re going to be seeing. Ie: If you hate what you’re hearing before the band goes on, odds are you’ll love the set. Indie-rock acts are usually precluded by house music, or overtly dance-y techno, while punk-rock might be played on by Broken Social Scene. My theory is the promoters do this intentionally, to make what you’re going to see sound better. I haven’t found any proof for this yet, but there’s also no evidence that denies it either. Conspiracy?

2) Timing Be Everything

A good show will always start late. I can’t rationally explain why this is, but gigs that start on time should always be a concern. Lateness doesn’t have to mean laxness. Maybe delays indicate last-minute adjustments made by the band so that the scene is perfect for some great musical happenings. Or maybe some things are just worth waiting for. Either way, beware the early start. TOO late can also be hazardous: any later than 30 minutes and the crowd may start to mutiny.

3) Dress code

I’d like to think that bands would dress appropriately for the kinda performance they’re planning to give. Inevitably, though, you’re gonna get the eccentrics like Mr. Freddie Mercury who’ll wear something like… the above. Important to note: Freddie can get away with it. Joe Rockstar playing the Horseshoe Tavern can’t. People (usually front people) will show up to gigs in inappropriate leather pants, fluorescent colours, and crazy shoes that make them stand out from the rest of their band in a “Hey Look! I’m gonna do something dumb!” sorta way. Tread cautiously when you see once of these people, one false move may anger them.

Who Gets An A+: Coldplay (they all wear black), Pilot Speed, Stars, The Stills.

4) Greetings… uh, Earthlings!

It is a very positive sign when the artist knows where they are. Anyone who tries to get away with the “Hellooooo Canada!” shout-out is just lazy. Or, okay, possibly full of mind-altering chemicals. But really, most major Canadian tour stops are three syllables long (Tor-on-to, Van-cou-ver, Win-ni-peg), and are not that hard to pronounce. A front man who makes a little effort is always great: every audience I have ever seen goes wild when their home town/street/general-location-on-the-dancefloor is mentioned. Take the free points where you can get them.

Who Gets An A+: Bloc Party, Snow Patrol, most local bands (hopefully they know where they are!)

5) The Content: Self-Plagiarism

Watch out for bands that name their songs after themselves. Perpetrators of this crime don’t even deserve a mention here. Mildly less uncool, but still a good warning sign: when the band’s name shows up in the lyrics of one of their songs. However, bands named after other band’s songs are usually respectable. This practice is usually a nod of respect, instead of a display of a lack of creativity. Or maybe it is just being so vain to think you have the best band name on the planet and you should name everything after it. You are wrong, young apprentice. So wrong.

6) Poor stage presence

If you find yourself saying: “Please do something while you are up there,” it might be a bad sign. Okay, it’s definitely a bad sign. We’re not asking for theatrics or gymnastics, or even pyrotechnics. But bands who follow the “stand one spot, play song, stare at feet, tune instrument, play next song” formula are best avoided. Or, if you have to, bring your pillow.

Who Gets An A+: The International Noise Conspiracy (their singer jumped off an AMP!).

7) Clockwork Performers

Similarly, bands or artists who never acknowledge the audience at all = crazy. YOU are the reason they are there performing. As with sign #6, the audience can get distracted really quickly. Unless the band is so awesome they somehow pull it off (like Muse, who I’ve seen do cute little music-and-light displays between their actual songs), at least SOME light banter with the audience, or between the band members, is always welcome.

Who Gets An A+: Julie Doiron (has full conversations with herself/the audience), Skindred (they’ll even stop mid-song and warn the audience in the mosh pit to take care of each other down there. That’s classy).

8 ) Useless band members

What happens when the drummer is beating the skins like a champ, the singer is doubling over from all his vocal exertions, the guitarist is shredding like mad… and the bassist is sorta standing there, not even really contributing? In fact, you can’t even hear a bass line. This warning sign can also take the form of superfluous instrumentalists, like too many guitarists/synth players on one stage, which also seems to happen a lot. I’ve seen this phenomenon in well-known and unknown bands alike. It’s like a disease that spreads from the band to the audience, until people get confused and stand around with their hands in their pockets.

9) Can you hear that?

Sound quality should be a top concern of the performer. (This is how they hook you!) Though this is largely out of the control of the band, and up to the sound crew, keep in mind that a band that sounds better when you plug your ears is a sure sign of trouble. Though this technique can occasionally turn a wall of noise into something actually worth listening to, the fact that you should have to block out the sound to hear the art means someone in the room doesn’t know what they’re doing. Enough said.

10) Would you like to buy a box of girl guide cookies?

Bands who hassle you to buy their stuff after their set: huge no-no. Suggestions to visit the merch table only. I have been approached, luckily just once, by a drummer begging me to buy his band’s T-shirt and/or CD so they’d have gas money to get to SXSW. I sympathize - being broke sucks - but after that little episode I just felt unclean, and left the venue ASAP.

What did we forget? Fill me in!

Tags: concert goer beware

Posted on Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pm by Jessica M and is filed under Blog, Just For Fun.

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