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Since Kelly blogged as me yesterday, I thought I’d up the ante (or something) by blogging as her for a bit today.

Here goes…

[The following to be read aloud in a Kelly-type voice - or for extra laughs, in a Strong Bad-type voice]

HOOOO-AAAAA. Ugh. I’m sooo tired, dudes. I was out until 4am last night…whoa. Yeah, I was at the Bovine checking out this rad underground punk act called “Die At The Edge Of The Earth Beneath The Twilight In December”. They came in to the radio show the other night and gave me their record. It slays.

Yeah, best band name ever, eh?? They’ve got a totally hot lead singer. He reminds me of Josh Homme crossed with Hot Craig from Gob.? Ultra hot. I have to drink some water.

Mmm. Are those baby carrots? I love those. Can I have one? I’m going to listen to The Distillers while eating baby carrots.?

Where’s the Firewire cable? Have you got one in your road case? I need to transfer some photos. USB cable, fine. Whatever. Just give me the damn cable.

Looking at my extensive live-event calendar, I see that I’m going to 8 concerts next week - including two concerts in one day put on by The Rampaging Banana Hordes…that’s on Wednesday. Justin, can you do an Inside piece to cover that day? Maybe something to do with lobsters.

I hate everything right now. No, wait, I just hate my computer. WHY WON’T THIS NEWSLETTER SEND?? I’m going to kill it.

[Puts on headphones, headbangs]

THE END

[You may now resume reading aloud in a Justin-type voice, or, for extra laughs, in a hardboiled film-noir detective-type voice]

Whew. That wasn’t so hard. I think I really captured her essence. If I could bottle it, I’d call it Eau De Shouldice. Alas I cannot, so you will have to make do with the magnificent monologue above.

Before I go today, I should mention that it’s Amanda’s last day. We’re all gonna miss her ’round these parts and wish her the best of luck.

So as not to end on a sad note, I’ll also remind you guys that it’s MuchMusic’s 20th birthday today…check out Much Turns 20 tonight @ 6pm ET. I’ve seen part of it and it’s funny as hell. Serious.

Ok bye.

Last night I went to see the Every Time I Die/Unearth/Atreyu/Lamb Of God show. It totally slayed. In fact Lamb Of God were so good that I don?t think I ever want to see another live show again?unless it?s them.

Justin from Team D was supposed to come with - but he was too busy *styling his sideburns to make it out?luckily I found a nice boy to fill his space on the guest list. If Justin had?ve been there, here?s how I think he would have described the show?

[give me a moment to channel Justin?.ahem?okay here we go?]

Yesterday evening I experienced an unprecedented evening of metal lore - four healthy servings of some of today?s hardest bands who are offering sweet salvation to the masses. After a solid Sunday spent playing Doom 3, framing photos of my ‘cutest-dog-in-the-world? Sparky Genevieve and a quick round of laser tag with my new roommates ? I headed out for and evening of head-banging heaven.

[okay, Justin doesn?t play laser tag anymore?but his dog really is cute.]

After blistering sets from ETID and Unearth, I was ready for the power and potency of Atreyu - whose latest disc ?The Curse? has been in heavy rotation in my silver Mazda 3. Despite recent criticisms I read on the Blabbermouth message boards, I can say that Atreyu quenched my thirst for solid screaming and heavy-handed guitar. It kicked some serious ass.

[I think the actual colour of Justin?s car is ?gun metal gray? or something like that ? but it?s all silver to me]

Finally it was time for the almighty Lamb Of God. Before the band hit the stage, I was drooling over drummer Chris Adler?s elaborate drum kit, which I had read about in the latest issue of Revolver. The kit featured…

[okay, I don?t know enough about drums to list out all of the different parts ? suffice it to say it was a really elaborate kit with like 4 cymbals and lots of shiny new parts. Justin, who is a drummer, would have been freaking out and going on about it.]

Lamb Of God delivered a cacophony of metal so heavy and raw that it rivaled the first time I saw Fear Factory open for Megadeth at the Molson Amphitheatre in Toronto in 1995. I won’t go into any more details, but suffice it to say that there might have been some inadvertent loss of bowel control.

It?s official - Lamb Of God rule the world.

[*note ? the real reason Justin couldn?t make it was because he was moving into his new apartment?but if you?d seen how slick his sideburns looked today, you?d understand my skepticism.]

It’s Friday, it’s late and I’m starvin’. But let’s quickly review some pressing topics before I call it quits, ok?

The Weather: It totally sucks. Thunderstorms looming this weekend. Golf clubs + lightening = ouch.

Hunger: So hungry I almost ate an eraser. For reals. Sophie eats Babybel cheese often. So when I saw this Babybel on her desk I was excited to eat it. But it wasn’t cheese at all. It was a Babybel eraser. Boo.

Last Record I Bought: Code 415, purchased at Warped tour.  A cute bunch of lads playing 80’s punk with songs about fighting.  Good stuff.

Tonight’s Broken Social Scene show: Free show at Toronto’s Harbourfront.  Rumour going around that they will literally be ‘broken’ social scene so might be last chance to see them.  Speaking of Broken Social Scene, watch the Wedge next friday night for our Olympic Island special.

What I’ll Be Eating For Dinner Tonight: We’re going to Utopia, a rad restaurant in Toronto that has delicious french fries with flavoured mayo…just bit into that eraser.

Utopia After-Dinner Tradition with Sophie: Going to Soundscapes. Always must do this while on College street to buy records we can’t afford.  Say hi to Flipped Out.

MTV VMA-watching Party Plans: party at Jason’s to mock stars outfits and swoon at cute bands. Will eat pizza, chips and cake that says Joel hearts Kristine on it.

Poker: lessons next week!  Double down or something like that….

Okay - prepare yourselves for juicy gossip. Well, it’s not that great. I’ve probably ruined it by hyping it up too much (Like all the hype for “Open Water” that the little shark movie just couldn’t live up to). Although seeing those real sharks and the actors gave me anxiety. Those actors MUST have been totally crazy to agree to do that.

Anyhoo…. I was in LA and was celeb-spotting and managed to see loads of celeb types and washed-up reality TV stars, none of which I’ll mention here, cause I am way to cool to mention really famous people I saw and what-not. Also, I wouldn’t want to “out” anyone as gay or anything - cause that is also not cool (unless that person is Tom Cruise or Vin Diesel). So - I will recount my LAMEST celeb sighting to you lucky folks.

I was stopped at a red light outside the infamous Pink’s Hotdog stand when a huge black strech limo pulls up and none other than Lou Pearlman (the man who made ‘NSYNC and Backstreet Boys famous) pops out of the back (he was excited about the hotdogs)… and with him… 5 of the most boyband looking types I have ever seen. Only problem is that they are a bit too late and a bit too old to be “boy-banders”. There was the “hot” one, the “bad” one, the “sensitive” one, the “brother”, the “smart” one, and dopey, sneezy, and lazy smurf. Also, don’t they know that both ‘NSYNC and Backstreet boys and O-Town sued him because he took all their money or something?? It made me laugh and I felt sorry for those guys at the same time. But mostly, it made me laugh.

In other news, I have always wanted to either buy something or sell something on e-bay (I am confused as to how and why anyone would want to buy one of my old digital cameras, skateboard decks, or my old palm pilot, but I hear people will buy ANYTHING there)… want some proof??

Britney used gum was up to $460 USD last time I checked… but e-bay has removed it or the auction was up…

And Paris Hilton’s lost dog posters (which are now being passed off as a hoax - the dog was at Granny’s house) is up to $255 USD….

Maybe I will put my junk up on e-bay and see what happens.? Or I could start selling celeb trash from their visits at MUCH….hmmm….

That’s all I’ve got for today. I’ve already given so much of myself today. Really.

PS - I am totally freaking out about this new horror movie coming out in October. I am a total horror movie junky and this one is going to be REALLY good… the trailer is a little bit much so if you are a chicken don’t watch it…

one trailer:
http://www.joblo.com/index.php?id=4755

second trailer:
http://filmforce.ign.com/articles/521/521120p1.html

PPS - If you are interested in buying any of my junk (before it is available to the public on ebay), e-mail me here… I swear you’ll get an excellent deal.

ok so tonight is our “summer wrap party” for all muchmusic and muchmoremusic staff. the test-rabbits (that we share with revlon), electro-stimulators and coconut tread mills that create muchloud, muchvibe and muchmoreretro are not invited. this is an outrage!

anyway, this party is fondly known as the half-pint party because each drink ticket is worth the surprising amount of a half-pint - not a full pint as one might expect. now, i’m not one to complain (insert audience laughter here), but come on!

actually i am basing this mild-light-hearted-criticism on the value of last year’s tickets. who knows? maybe the tickets have been re-valued at full pint value again this year (due to the strength of the canadian dollar and the success of muchmoremusic’s new hit show “back in”) or maybe, just maybe they will be worth a half pint again.

or what if it’s worse??? what if due to increased competition in the canadian specialty tv market, our recent corporate acquisitions and the mounting losses associated with mp3 downloading the tickets are worth even less! maybe one ticket will just get you a kiss on the cheek from the executive of your choice. or they’ll be worth one pretzel. or a glass of punch!

i can’t cope. i need to know now what to expect! this has consumed my entire day! (which may lead you to believe i don’t deserve any tickets, regardless of their value).

Whoa, Fetus’ ship adventure sounds wicked. I would love to do something like that. There’s this ship called the Picton Castle, and for the low low price of $30,000 you can take part in sailing the world. Seeing the movie White Squall just made me want to do it more, oddly enough. I think the sea is in my blood, maytey.

Anyway, speaking of ships, how bout those Simpsons’, eh? (Worst segue ever). Not the sisters, but the TV show. I challenge you to pick your favorite episode. Go on, try. I know it’s difficult - I can’t do it either. I have, however, narrowed it down.

*Cape Feare: The Simpsons move to Terror Lake to escape Side Show Bob. Best scene: The rake scene.

*Summer of 4 Ft. 2: Lisa makes friends at the beach. This episode has heart and humour, but probably appeals mostly to girls. Moment for boys: Homer buys fireworks and porn.

*Krusty Gets Kancelled: There is so much going for this episode - best of all is the major celebrity voice over-palooza. Luke Perry, Bette Midler, Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Carson, Red Hot Chili Peppers (”no way, man - our lyrics are like our children.”). Best reaction to a celebrity: “Oh no! Bette Midler!”

*Marge vs. the Monorail: The coup de grace of Conan O’Brien’s writing stint on the show. Matt Groening says that his favourite line ever is also one of mine: when Marge finds the family of possums in the monorail, Homer says, “I call the big one Bitey.” Best nonsensical ending: The escalator to nowhere.

Runners Up: Lemon of Troy, Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-d’oh-cious

There are so many episodes, that everyone can pick a different combination of favorites. It’s like Simpson pizza. Mmm…pizza.

goodbye. that’s right, i’m out of here. not for good. 3 weeks. i can’t believe it. i had the best week last week. there was this ship in town, the quiksilver crossing indies trader. it’s basically an old salvage ship that travels the world looking for undiscovered surf spots while doing environmental checks on reefs and exploring the cultures of each place they visit without influence. it’s gotta be the coolest ship in the world.

so they were in town and i went down to see if i could have a tour of the boat, i hooked them up with richard cazeau who did a story on the ship for muchmoremusic, then they took us out for dinner - the crew, and some of the quiksilver people from california. we went to this fancy restaurant in yorkville. it was kinda funny to see the looks on the other people’s faces when a group of dirty surf punks invaded the place. lionel richie was at the next table which was a highlight for me because i still believe “all night long” is the best street party song/video of all time.

after dinner we went out on the town for some 80’s metal. then on friday night we got invited to a quiksilver party which was super fun. the best part was when they couldn’t leave the boat at the docks all night so they had to drive back to pier 4 at 1:30am and we got invited to join them. it was amazing to cruise into the city all lit up at night. almost brought a tear of absolute happiness to my eye. the party on the boat went on till the early morning hours. i got to sleep in an empty bunk for the night and it was pretty funny the next morning when i went to wake my brother up, he slept on a little couch on the front deck. there were all these families walking around, enjoying a nice saturday stroll. i was shaking my brother awake and a man with his two little daughters asked us “rough night fellas?” - i love that kind of sh*t.

alright i’m losing track here, where are we, let’s jump to sunday. we got invited down to the ship for dinner, which was amazing, thanks guy. some stuff happend which was a total right place, right time (which i never seem to be in either) - the owner of the trader wanted more video footage of the tour so i volunteered my services. i thought it was a long shot but i went out and bought some dv tapes and some super 8 film to shoot some stuff as the boat left town. with 2 hours until their departure the captain turns to me and says “so are you coming to chicago with us?”. i was floored, my dream is to travel the world by boat. i said i couldn’t leave that day, i had to talk to my bosses and see if i could get the time off work. i have to give praise to my bosses, brian yong and john morrison for actually making this work for me. i’ve pushed my luck pretty hard in this place and i’m thankful for the opportunity.

so i’m shipping out tomorrow. renting a car, driving to detroit and jumping ship for a 3 week cruise on the great lakes to chicago. i can’t even think straight, it’s happend pretty fast and i’m really excited to live the sailor life for awhile. i’ve got the cursing like a sailor part down, just have to learn about the knots and stuff.

if you want to see what it’s all about go to http://thecrossing.quiksilver.com

Okay, I just discovered the best thing ever. About ten years ago, Ryan from Team D was an extra in this movie.?
Please,?if you do one good thing for yourself this weekend -watch this trailer.?
I’ve already ordered 6 copies?of the film for?everyone I know and love. I also can’t stop yelling ‘SO INTENSE YOU’LL FEEL THE HEAT ON YOUR FACE!’ and ‘THE LAST ONE OUT…DOESN’T GET OUT!’

Sophie?s post on Duran Duran got me thinking. See, I was a little too late to catch on to the hoopla that surrounded Le Bon and pals. I mean, at the time I was listening to like, Raffi and Fred Penner and a little Madonna if I was lucky. But, oh, hoho, was I ever right smack dab in the middle of the New Kids on the Block phase. Now, at the risk of selling out, I?ll reveal to you that I did indeed own the trading cards, dolls-complete-with-rattails, t-shirts, gym bag, Donnie Wahlberg earrings and bed set. I still have the comforter blanket, actually. Sadly. Anyway, here?s what really hurts most about the New Kids memories. I lost a friend because of them.

I had this cool acquaintance when I was young, but she didn?t like NKOTB. So, naturally when I was selecting who would be attending my 10th birthday NKOTB-themed sleepover, she didn?t make the final cut. Besides, my mom limited it to 8 people, and she wasn?t like my best friend or anything. Everything seemed cool until I went to another sleepover a year later. My BFF at the time told me that the un-invited girl called me a bi*** for leaving her out. I was shocked and appalled?first, that a 10-year-old was using such language, and second cause I didn?t think the offense was worthy of the tongue-lashing. So ever since then, we were never friends. Thanks, NKOTB. Thanks a lot.*

*I realize that it was actually my fault, not NKOTB?s.