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If you’re like me, and you have way too much to do but you’re totally procrasinating (for example, look up your name on urbandictionary.com - I mean it, do it), here’s something else to pass the time:

THREE FULL MINUTES OF A CAT FLUSHING A TOILET!

Thank me later.

See that succulent piece of breaded “meat”? Personally gnawed by Kevin Federline himself (with help from Britney Spears), it can be yours, yes, YOURS, along with a half-eaten egg salad sandwich, for the low low price of at least $207 USD. But hurry, the auction ends in 3 hours. You DON’T want to miss this one.

Well, it seems that Tara Reid was denied entrance to a club while Paris sauntered right on in.

My thoughts: why the hell would you want to go to this crappy club? Look at the guy with the bad facial hair standing next to Tara, yelling, “No room!” He’s like the losers I went to high school with (uh, if you went to my high school, I’m obviously not referring to YOU *cough*).

In fact, it seems like L.A. is one big high school. Look, Paris is popular and Tara isn’t. Tara, if I were you, I’d dye my hair black, get a lip piercing, quit the coke, and lament about the perils of being young, rich, and famous in some eccentric little coffeehouse where pseudo-indie people like Ryan Gosling hang out. From what I’ve heard, Ryan’s pretty awesome. I bet if you argued your case to him, he’d let you be friends with him and Rachel. Believe me, the popular kids suck.

You know who’s not popular? Carmen Electra. Have you seen Dirty Love? That movie is a frigging masterpiece. She can pull it off cause it’s not something the popular kids would do. Dude, go make friends with Christina Ricci or some shit! I bet she has better things to say than Paris “I-love-my-backasswards-cd-so-much-it-makes-me-cry” Hilton. why would anyone want to be at the same club as her anyway? Look, here’s ten bucks. Go download some The Kooks and do something that’s actually interesting.

Please, just stop hanging around the door and looking all desperate. The Girls Gone Wild guy was in that club! You want to be in there?? HUH? It makes me want to give you a hug. And next time someone doesn’t let you into a club because you’re not “cool” enough, remember, they’re not your real friends anyway.

As you may or may not know, Mary Kate & Ashley were in the building yesterday. They smiled, they preened, they waved and giggled. You probably heard the audience from wherever you live, they were so loud.

Anyway, check out our slideshow of their appearance!

You know, I didn’t even read this link. I’m too busy to read. All I saw was a picture with electric CUPCAKE CARS and I knew I had to pass it on. Cause, you know. Cupcakes.

Best news of the day…hands down!

From dancer to rapper to TV star, the man is aggressively searching for credibility and trying to become more than just Mr. Spears. He’s set to guest star on CSI this fall as an “annoyed teenager” - that sound you hear? It’s the line between TV and reality blurring beyond all recognition. But what, you may ask, is next for K-Fed? I’m thinking a line of clothing or maybe Popozao 2? For the sake of comedy, let’s hope it’s both! For the sake of his career, my advice would be to quit while he’s ahead…sorta…kinda…well, you know what I mean.

TIME FOR QUICKIES!! Yaaay.

-Jesse McCartney says J-Lo quit the movie Dallas cause she’s pregnant!
-But she’s not! Apparently.
-Lohan’s co-stars are pissed with her irresponsible behaviour!
-Beyonce’s album release may be delayed due to craptacular response to her first two singles!
-Beyonce’s dad issues statement about all the hater-ade!
-Paramount cuts off contract with Tom Cruise after years of fun together! Then things get heated!
-The stupidest rap lyrics according to Cracked!
-More on Jessica wanting to kiss Britney’s belly cause I love the story so much!
-Paris reportedly moves in with Brandon Davis. Eww.

That’s a record!

-Something about Beyonce and Jay-Z’s possible wedding and fathers not approving and so on with the soap opera drama. In other news, say what you want about the Deja Vu video, that scene with Jay and B is HOTT.
-Lohan may have punched her assistant in the face. I would have paid to see that. Something about girls punching that is amusing to me.
-What’s with this gossip saying Jessica Alba’s getting “cozy” with Fez? Whatever. She’s taken.

If you love Portishead - and really, who doesn’t - head over to their MySpace page IMMEDIATELY to preview two brand new songs from their upcoming third album, posted earlier today. It’s been almost 10 years, so now’s not the time to sit idly by. Go get ‘em now!

Um, I’m sorry…what? [see below]

Please have a gander at the photos below and try to identify not only the band (I’ve left out a still of the singer for obvious reasons) but the video as well. I dare you. If you win I will send you a shiny 80s mix CD that I’m gonna put together myself. Mmmkay?

Onward!