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Hidey hiiii! Oo, that was lame. But I can’t take it back. It’s on paper. Sort of.

Ok, so let’s address this Screech thing. First of all, it’s not a scandal, like some people are saying. When the dude is pimping it out, it’s not a scandal. Um, ok, that’s all I want to talk about in regards to that. Jen said it all a few posts below. I’ll be back in a minute, after I wash my hands.

Now, in other gross-out news, we have Avril’s Tales Of Two Spittles. If you haven’t seen the videos floating around the interslice, let me fill you in with the short version: Avril hocked some serious loogie on paparazzi on two occasions. Maybe not loogie, but for sure some gobby spit. And yeah, paparazzo can be annoying, but spitting on people is an actual offense, so, BAD. Plus, it isn’t ladylike, and as you know, Avril’s been on this lady kick lately. Anyway, in the end, she apologized for her behaviour, which of course, her publicist told her to do.

From one publicist to another: Britney has DROPPED hers (because it’s cool right now). Hopefully this will help with her supposed upcoming image makeover. Meanwhile, and unfortch for Britney, Madonna has taken over her spot as the highest paid female singer on the planet. Man, Madge gots to get paid, knowmsayn? Please note that Britney will no longer be accepting K-Fed’s sperm as currency.

Paris and Travis: from “just make-out friends” to “hiding our faces from paparazzi because we’re sleeping together” friends. And furthermore, Paris has been charged for her DUI. Jailtime is a possibility, but, you know, she’ll take care of the Judge. And Jury. And the other lawyer.

New couple alert! Beyonce and Gwyneth. Weeeird.

Eva Longoria and the basketball player are on hiatus. Meh.

Jessica Simpson’s been down in the dumps lately, so let’s give her some time off to chill. Let’s all lay off the Jess awhile. But first, Jess has to stop acting a fool in public. Deal? Maybe?

I’m totally spent. That’s it. That’s all you’re getting.

Ahahaha! Check this out: you can buy the Vanessa Kensington fembot from Austin Powers 2 on eBay!

Oh. Actually, I just tested the link and you can’t. It’s invalid. What a rip-off. Thanks for NOTHING! Except, of course, the memories of a hilarious scene from one of my favourite comedies. Now excuse me while I do the fembot dance, which I just invented.

Or what can I get for perusing the sites - how about some good news like THIS about M.I.A., where she says that her first single “Bird Flu” is gonna KILL! I can’t wait, man.

Welcome to a new feature in which I threaten to harpoon you if you don’t immediately listen to (and love) the music that I recommend. OK, I’m only slightly exaggerating.

PLEASE go and listen to this band called Pull Tiger Tail (cool name, non?). Their single’s called “Animator” and it kicks seven kinds of asses. Recommended if you like Maximo Park, Kaiser Chiefs, etc. Thanks once again to Mr. Lamacq for the recommendation.

Listen to these chaps and love them!

Check it out!! It’s the real Puss ‘N Boots! HA HA HA!!!

The rest of the photos of this cat are magic. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing. Which I am.

Ok, it’s been quite sometime since I last officially submitted a real blog BUT that’s alright because I’m back! You see ladies and gents, this outrageous and slightly disturbing news headline (which I shall reveal very shortly) has made me so angry that well I’ve decided to blog.

Following in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson, Colin Farrell, and Paris Hilton, Mr.Screech Powers (a.k.a. Dustin Diamond)has decided to release his very own sex tape. His video of scandulous nastiness includes a kinky three-way, bodily functions and some other grossely disturbing business… The worst part of this all, is that Diamond and gang are actually shopping this tape around! And to top things off, the ‘working’ title of this masterpiece is “Saved By The Smell.” The things people would do just to make a little chump change on the side…Screech you give a bad name to F-Listers around the world (Come on buddy, you can at least try to think of a better sex tape name…)This deserves a shake of the “fist of shame.”

I don’t care what people say, I think “That’s So Raven” is HILARIOUS. Also, when Raven herself stopped by MOD, she was quite the charmer. Then, when she left, here SUV held up traffic for like, 30 seconds. People were honking. Here’s some pics!

Hee hee hee …

Check out this three year old kid who bought a pink convertible on eBay. Hahaha. He wants to pimp his ride. Ohsocoot.

Well, guess what. YOU CAN. But first, a word from our sponsors.

There’s tons of music infesting brains of the masses right now, and since we rule, we’ve got full album previews of stuff that just might make you drool. Yayyyy, I just rhymed unpurposely! Is that a word? Meh.

Ok, anyway, RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT you can listen to Evanescence’s album “The Open Door”! And then you can go straight to The Killers’ anticipated “Sam’s Town”! AND THEN, how about a little bit of Jet’s “Shine On”? All that and MORE for free 99!

Ok. Now. If you wanna meet Jet, here’s what’s up. First of all, be from Toronto. Second, be free on Sunday, October 1. Third, go to Best Buy at 65 Dundas west by 2pm. Cause that’s when it starts. If you didn’t know.

Well look who it is. You. With the face. Hey, how ya doin’.

It’s not like I’m shocked or anything - but Lohan and her boyfriend du jour Harry (I just recently learned his name, mostly from lack of caring) have broken up. Remember when there were rumours about an engagement? Those were so silly. So yeah, Lohan and Harry = over. And to celebrate and/or mourn and/or entertain herself and/or carry on with her life, Lindsay spent a little time ninja kicking the air. I know that when I’m having a bad day, I like to kick the air. I’m kind of not kidding, but mostly.

Ewwww, weird. Aaron Carter got engaged this week to a Playboy Playmate who used to date his brother Nick. That douche. Doesn’t he know that this isn’t love he’s feeling, it’s booze and adrenaline? Ah, the young pup hasn’t lived enough life to know that yet. To romance! And to divorces!

Remember Britney’s Manny? Well, he jumped ship to work for Jude Law. Presumably he couldn’t sustain himself on a constant diet of Starbucks and Cheetos, and decided that a full plate of bangers & mash might do him well. Oh god the Cheetos joke is so tired. Hey, so am I. Ok, wait - is he protecting Jude, and not Jude’s kids? Aww. That’s adorable.

Cameron Diaz filed a report against a photographer who allegedly almost ran her and JT down. Waiiiiit a second. Are we sure that she’s not confusing that with the steamroller of JT’s recent success? Badump-ch.

No Popozao on K-Fed’s record? What? That’s it. I’m not buying it, and that’s final.

Ooo, scroll down to the bottom for this one, where Mya claims that 50 Cent is fronting on his claims that they dated. She’s all like, “he must be confusing me with Lloyd Banks.” ZING! Mya, you have earned your stripes.

Looks like Kate and Owen are starting to make it official/public?

Two things on the Simpson agenda: 1, Jessica says that baking helped get her through the divorce. Like, cupcakes. And she didn’t get fat! Please share your secrets. 2, Joe Simpson is an inside man, taking photos of his family and selling them to photo wires! *Shudder* He’s such a good dad!!

And this one’s for me: Seth Meyers will be joining Amy Poehler at the SNL Weekend Update desk (high five, he’s a cutie) AND replacing Tina Fey as head writer. Bonus points! Who knew he had those chops?

I’m out. Good NIGHT.