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January 30th, 2014
Justin Bieber turned himself into Toronto police last night following charges from an alleged assault that occurred in Toronto on December 30. WHAT? How the heck did no one know about this? Did you guys know? I didn’t know. I didn’t think the Biebs ever did anything without the world knowing.
According to the CBC, Bieber and five of his friends were picked up by a limo in Toronto’s club district on December 30. A member of Bieber’s entourage struck the driver in the back of the head multiple times and fled the scene before police arrived.
Thankfully, it appears that the driver has recovered, so let’s focus on the next issue at hand: Justin Bieber needs new friends. What kind of friends are we talking about? Well, here’s a list of criteria we have for people we think should be applying for a position in Bieber’s entourage.
- Encourage Justin to not wear leather shorts. Ever. For any reason.
- Please do not ask to drive Justin’s car. Actually, don’t let Justin drive his car either. And if you get a limo driver, for the love of all things holy please don’t hit him or her, ever.
- Always recommend playing Xbox instead of helping Justin egg his neighbors house. That shizz is serious.
- Please do not apply if you’re name begins with Lil or has been altered in any significant way. Is your name Shawn? Any Dave’s out there? How about a Paulo? Step right up!
- Remind Justin to not smile in mugshots. Any chance of sympathy is out the window as soon as the world sees that hot mess of a picture.
- Advise him to not post pictures comparing himself to Michael Jackson EVER. No one will ever not look like a jackass by doing that.
- If you have a background in PR, all the better! Please advise Justin to speak to the red carpet press when promoting his own movie, or else what the hell did we just wait three hours for?