HT Episode 5: I’ll Trade My V-Card for Your Crabs Please

April 26th, 2011

Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like. Miles sports a few new pets in his crotch after a little one-on-one teacher time at Pinkerton High. But Jenny gets the nastiest news of all when she finds out what R.J.’s been hiding from her with Lily.

Get ready for big revelations below!

If you haven’t seen it yet, enjoy all the crabby goodness HERE. Then read on for the full debrief.

R.J.’s life sucks. His parents have split, he’s realizing he’s got nothing in common with Jenny, and he’s still getting pulverized by Max and his cronies.

He’s also been flunking math. So the Coach decided he needs a tutor. The Coach has also been checking on the newly-single Ms. Berger as well.

Cue some cheesy 70’s triple X tunes.

And let’s keep that porn music going.

Meet Amy. She’s smart, sassy, hot with glasses and good with numbers. And she can steer R.J. in the right direction. Unfortunately, that direction is not beside Jenny Swanson.

Miles, on the other hand, is doing great in math. Why? Because the supply teacher has the hots for large men. And not large down there – she’s like them plump and full of fatty foods. Miles, realizing this is a Penthouse magazine story come true, goes the whole nine yards with Mrs. Substitute (I don’t know her name so that’s what I’mma call her).

But there’s always a price to pay. Mrs. Substitute has crabs. Now Miles has crabs. You know the saying “bros before hoes”? Well, the true ties of friendship are tested here when R.J. helps Miles shave his balls to save himself from infestation.

It’s seriously gross stuff. Back to R.J. now.

Knowing Jenny is so different from him, R.J. has trouble jumping for joy when Jenny offers up her V-Card to him on the weekend. By the time he comes to his senses, he’s too late.

Jenny decides to talk to his BFF Lily to prepare for her weekend love session. But R.J. told Jenny he was still a virgin, but forgot to tell Lily about the lie.

Of course, Lily brags about how powerful her nether regions are for taking R.J. all the way to home plate.

Jenny, pissed that R.J. lied to her, and Lily, pissed that R.J. never told Jenny about them, both attack him. But Jenny’s really pissed and decides it’s over.

Moral of the story: If you plow your best friend, make sure the whole world knows.

Don’t Miss Any Of R.J.’s Hard Times:

Episode 4: Damn Girl! What Happened To Your Face?

Episode 3: Schorgy!

Episode 2: The Hard Times of LWoww & G.T.L. Berger

Episode 1: Lily Needs Berger-Man-Juice, Stat!

Tags: Hard Times, recaps, The Hard Times of R.J. Berger, tv