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Before They Were Stars!
February 21st, 2013
We got Video on Trial juror Hunter Collins to give us the low down on this week’s episode of VOT. You ready to laugh your pants off? Also, some of these video be sizzlin’ so viewer discretion is advised! Let’s do this!
One Direction, Kiss You
You know you’ve made it when scores of teenagers would gladly drown something cute (like a baby goat or a Trevor Boris trying to write jokes) just to eat your garbage. Such is the case for living proof that music is dead, One Direction. Fans of this (give me a second to vomit all over my own lap…………..there we go) “band”, will be pleased to know that this video indeed features the boys acting all homoerotic and hairless. As for people like me who prefer music that wasn’t obviously written by a computer somewhere in St-Louis, we’d just be happy seeing the One Direction guys sewn together in a human centipede so that four of ‘em have to sing into their buddies’ butts while the other one cries. How does this video have 75 million views on YouTube when the one of me yelling at a parrot only has 1300?
Big Sean, Guap
I thought “guap” was a heinous racial slur for Greek-Italians. Think about it: “I don’t want my daughter marrying no guap! You’ll have half-guap babies!” It sounds awful. Then I heard the song. Turns out “guap” is far dumber than the most racist shit ever said. To “get guap” means to “get paid”, which means Much Music “guapped” me a bag of apples to write this blog, which in turn means that the lady I’ll pay to do naughty things in my pants tonight WON’T have a fine guap-day (despite her rather affordable $5 guap-scale) unless she reeeeeally likes granny smiths. Gonna have to pull a little move called rash n’ dash. Sorry, Shauntella!
Skylar Grey, C’mon Let Me Ride
Here’s a clip of Skylar Grey denouncing the rampant sluttery prevalent in modern day music videos. Hard to make that point when your video teaches the viewer what 73% of your butt-cheeks look like.
Far East Movement, Turn Up The Love, ft. Cover Drive
At first, I thought Far East Movement, Turn Up the Love was a song about “moving” way “east” to Newfoundland where the chicks are notoriously easy because all the men are out fishing half the year and it’s frowned upon to hit on your unemployed relatives. But no! It’s three Asian guys rapping! Averagely! Oh and beware the shameless product placement for cola in this video. It’s like there’s advertising everywhere I look nowadays except for up the skirts of ladies who walk over the sidewalk vent grate I live beneath. Yes, that’s me down there and yes, please stop spitting your gum down here. It’s a home, not Lindsay Lohan.
MGK, Stereo ft. Fitts of The Kickdrums
This video is set in Cleveland, where Machine Gun Kelly (MGK) is from. Now, let’s get some facts straight about Cleveland:
-Their river caught fire one time. It’s very hard to set water on fire. About as hard as it is to get fire wet.
-Their major sports teams haven’t won a championship since 1964. That’s not one since Madonna’s 50th birthday.
-The city went bankrupt in 1978 and then it had to crash at its parents Cincinnati’s place for a while.
-The crime rate is very high. Cleveland’s muggers get mugged while mugging.
-Cleveland produced MGK.
-Cleveland is only known for awful things.