I Want A Wardrobe Malfunction

April 1st, 2004

i’m so jealous that hannah had a wardrobe malfunction. my new favourite thing ever. i can’t wait until i have one just so i can say it also happened to me.
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did anyone see janet on letterman this week? (i guess that’s a stupid question). she is such a liar! i have studied the superbowl footage in great detail, again and again and again and i have concluded that she totally did it on purpose. watch her moves right after justin tears away her little peek-a-boo patch! (ps: you gotta love a tear-away)
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it’s a 5-step dance move:
1. look at justin – slightly shocked, slightly angry facial expression
2. look at exposed breast
3. look straight out at audience – slightly shocked, slightly naughty
4. dance (turn head left)
5. dance (turn head right)
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i have actually mastered the move on my own and will be happy to demonstrate it for anyone who asks.
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my point is, that if it really was an accident, when she got to step 2, the whole thing would have been over and she would have been like “holy crap my boob is hanging out of my top in front of the world’s largest tv viewing audience!!!” and she wouldn’t have continued with the “look at audience, then dance, dance!”
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the craziest thing of all is that this was ever an issue. it’s like the world has gone totally insane. poor janet’s boob was just a small sack of flesh and silicone… and her nipple was like 3/4 of the way covered by her crazy star nipple ring. why were people so upset?! i saw former teen gymnastics star mary lou retton on some entertainment show saying how “as a parent” she “didn’t appreciate it.” (why were they asking mary lou retton you ask? i have no idea.) and she was saying how uncomfortable it was for her to have to explain what had happened to her poor children that were innocently watching the superbowl. when i saw this i lost my mind!
a. what child by the hasn’t seen a naked breast… much less a 3/4 covered one. this is the age of the internet people! does mary lou think that little bobby retton hasn’t found mr. retton’s stack of playboys under the bed?
b. what exactly did mary lou retton have to EXPLAIN to her children? “that’s a booby kids. oh right you know that already.”
c. it’s a breast people! it’s not like she had sex with a doberman or threw a grenade into the audience!
d. the superbowl is nothing but steroid pumped bullies fighting between commercials for viagra and budweiser — but that’s ok with mary lou’s kids as long as there aren’t any partially exposed breasts.
e. mary lou retton is so desperate for work she would strip naked and do cartwheels all through the superbowl stadium if she thought it would get even one person to notice she was still alive.
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anyway, my point to all of this rant is that i wish janet wouldn’t lie. i wish she would just say “hey, everybody, give it a rest. it’s a piece of my flesh and you saw it. your kids saw it too. so did your grandma and the pope. but they’re all going to be fine. they are not going to turn into sex maniacs or puppy mill owners from all of this. it was just my breast people. i’m sorry that i misjudged the moral barometer of america, but i’m not sorry i have a breast.”
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(i should really work for the jacksons writing their speeches!)
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ok. enough of me. i like posting here! please send any complaints about what i’ve said to sophia. i’m busy.