I’m Pretty Much The Hottest Guy I’ve Ever Seen

May 6th, 2004

I’m very depressed today because my poor dog chachi has stitches on his leg and was forced to wear the cone of shame (an example of a collar — but this isn’t chachi) . he can’t walk around or eat properly or even sleep right! last night after a few cocktails (me not him) we had a long talk and came to the conclusion that he was too depressed to heal properly while wearing the cone and we decided to remove it. he is much happier — but now i’m at work freaking out that he’s at home chewing on his stitches.

so i started doing research and found this but if i order it, it won’t arrive in time for poor chachi! so i am going to go to canadian tire after work and try to invent something on my own using maybe a child sized swimming ring and maybe some duct tape.

when i get depressed i eat, but i’m not going to give in to temptation. i have been dieting lately and have been quite successful! i’m in the best shape of my life! i’m pretty much the hottest guy i’ve ever seen. seriously! you should see me! especially if you’re young, dark and single. please call.

why don’t i share a few of my dieting tips with you:

1. drink more water than you ever thought you could. i have like 3 litres a day while sitting at my desk here at muchmusic. i’m not sure why this works but it does. it may just be from the exercise from walking back and forth down the hall to the bathroom all afternoon. this led me to discover a secret club called the “men’s bathroom club”. we meet about 40 times every afternoon and all have excessive water drinking in common. new friends! this water drinking technique is less effective if you’re hungover.

2. if you need to eat ice cream, eat it with the freezer door open. what kills you with ice cream is you sit on the couch watching the o.c. or the swan (ps:i think i need a mid-face face-lift. i didn’t know what one was until the swan — but now i want one) and before you know it, you’ve eaten like the whole carton! if you make a rule that you can only eat ice cream with the freezer door open then you’ll never get more than a few spoonfuls before you start to worry about the other stuff in the freezer defrosting. this is best done while standing right next to the freezer, which adds extra calorie burning from the energy it takes to stand.

3. drink alcohol every day. i used to have a big glass of pop with dinner every night. my favourite was dr. smooth which is the president’s choice version of dr. pepper. but drinking a big glass of pop every day is pretty much a guarantee that you will become obese and get diabetes, high blood pressure and head to toe tumors. so instead i started drinking half a bottle of wine with dinner every night. half a bottle of wine is just enough to make you so tipsy that you only eat half the food on your plate. (put the other half in tupperware and voila!… tomorrow’s dinner is ready!). plus you relax and forget about your troubles so you don’t get depressed enough to crave bad food. and wine is much better for you than dr. smooth. it costs more than pop, but can you really put a price on good health?

ok. i have to go to canadian tire now to make chachi a home-made no-bite collar and luckily, canadian tire is right next to the liquor store!