Let’s go to JERSEY SHORE: Ep. 1 and 2 Recap

December 10th, 2009

Orange tan, do yah hair, don't fuhget the gel.

Warning: After you watch Jersey Shore, you might get a slight Jersey accent, a little more orange than you started, and your hair might be filled with gel.

MTV has developed a new show for us couch potatoes (maybe not all of us) to feel better about our own lives. Put 8 Italian-Americans aka ‘Guido’ and ‘Guidettes’ into a big beach house by the shore in a town called Seaside Heights, Jersey shore and what do you get? One hilarious reality TV show! It is that simple kids.

Let’s clarify what a Guido and Guidette is. They are the stereotypical Italians that tan, use a bunch of hair gel, love to party, crave sex and are well dressed. Where do these stereotypes even come from? There are plenty of people who fit this description who are not Italians… but reality TV is unexplainable.

Here is the low down on each housemate:
* Jenni “J-Wow”, 23 years old, HAS A BOYFRIEND
* Mike “The Situation”, 27 years old, LOVES HIS ABS
* Angelina “Jolie”, 22 years old, FEELS THE NEED TO C*CK BLOCK
* Ronnie, 23 years old, WANTS TO POUND GIRLS
* Nicole “Snooki”, 21 years old, LIKES BEING CENTER OF ATTENTION
* Paul “DJ Pauly”, 29 years old, DEFINITION OF A GUIDO
* Sammi “Sweetheatr”, 22 years old, B*TCH WITH A HEART
* Vinny, 21 years old, FIST PUMPING

What a perfect cast, all proud to be Guido/Guidette.

The season premier started off with each of them introducing themselves and leaving for Jersey Shore. Some left the big Italian family behind in tears, some didn’t give an eff. They all drive off and begin to search for this beach house. One by one each start to arrive and people already claim their preferred beds. The house is decorated with many Italian flags and signs and it is definitely not too shabby. Everyone is getting acquainted with each other and in walks Danny, the landlord. Tall, lanky, (definitely not a Guido) and serious business type of guy. He lays down the rules about working at the t-shirt store down at the beach and keeping the house intact. After a few handshakes, he leaves and the housemates go back to drinking it up. Nicole gets drunk first, which causes major issues already with some of the fellahs. She strips into her cheetah print bra and yellow lacy thong and jumps in the hot tub with the guys. She gets all sloppy and starts trying to kiss everyone. The others were certainly not having it so they all leave Nicole to sleep. Oh, she totally fell down the stairs too. Definitely a hangover in the process.

Nicole awakes to find no one in the house but some quacking noises. What the quack? Turns out to be a tacky duck phone ringing. “What kind of person gets a duck phone to talk on?” Everyone else returns home from a night of playing carnival games and discovering that Mike likes Sammi, and Nicole is feeling like the outcast. Well hunny, maybe if you didn’t act so careless, people would have liked to include you!

The next day is the orientation of the job. Everyone is getting ready but Nicole is puking that hangover out. No one waits up for her and they all leave. First day on the job and Nicole is almost fired. How much more can she really take?

At dinner that night, which was made by Mike “The Situation” (surprising eh?), like a typical Italian family, they decide to say Grace. Vinny has the honour of thanking God for providing them with food until he decides to laugh. People were actually a little annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t say a proper prayer, true Italian roots are showing! Nicole takes this opportunity to apologize for being not being classy the night before and all is well again in the house of Guidos and Guidettes.

The guys find some dessert (girls) on the balcony. It takes some work to get them though, as they have to reel them in. No, not fish pie, but more of semi-decent blondes and brunettes. The ladies come up to the hot tub and within minutes, there were thongs and bras being tossed around the place. “Can we filter that right now?” says Angelina as she watches from a distance with Sammi. Was it really right for the ladies to watch the guys as they ate their dessert? (Not literally, you pervs) Arguments did break out and Angelina worked that Jersey accent as she screamed at the “whores.” Where was Nicole during all of this? In bed, eavesdropping on the loud conversation, thinking they were talking about her. She reveals that she wants to go home and starts to pack. Cliff-hangers are marketing strategies I tell ya!

But wait, it’s not done yet! It’s like getting a tan, not orange enough yet. The next hour starts off with the first day of work. Work partners Paul and Angelina gets assigned to sales by Danny and Paul is excited to start. “I’m a bartender you know, I do great things” Angelina was not feeling it at all. Off to hanger duty, she goes.

Back at the house, Sammi is trying to talk Nicole into staying. Being the sweetheart that she is, she convinces Nicole to stay and now the house is restored to regular terms. For now. On the other side of things, Ronnie, Mike, and Vinny get their work out on and make sure they stay in Guido-shape. Although they act all masculine, they did some gossiping and Ronnie shares that he does like Sammi. Begin the love triangle that is Mike, Sammi, and Ronnie.

The next shift includes Mike and Sammi. Mike makes mad sales by getting the ladies some underwear with “I love the Situation!” on the bum. Very classy, ladies!

The night sets and the party scene is ready to begin. The other roommates leave for a party night out, leaving Mike and Sammi behind. They are obviously mad but Mike takes the opportunity to get to know her. “I don’t care if you’re five or forty five, I will dance with you, it’s hilarious” says Vinny and he makes this come true by dancing with some random mom. Very classy, mom! Angelina hooks up with a big dude and does not remember she has a boyfriend. JWoww and Paul start to get intimate on the dance floor but she also has a boyfriend too. Nicole finds a nice Guido named Robby and brings him back to the house. Predictably, he barfs all over the shore house and surprisingly Nicole takes care of him like a mother. She cleans it all up and takes him home. How nice, Snooki! The night ends with Paul and JWoww in bed – “You have your penis pierced!” Paul’s secret is no longer hidden. HAHA!

Next day, Vinny suffers the consequences by getting pink eye the next day and takes it to the doctor. How extreme. He even misses his first day of work for a little pus in his eye. “That is what you get for putting a fat girl’s ass on your face.” – Ronnie.

The night is upon them AGAIN, and more hook ups happen. Sammi and Mike hook up, JWoww hooks up with Paul but leaves suddenly so she wouldn’t cheat on her boyfriend. Sammi then hooks up Ronnie and “The Situation” freaks the hell out. That leaves the love portion of the night. A fight breaks out between Paul and some random Guido and they get kicked out the club. They discover 3 hot chicks following them home. Does that really happen in real life? It doesn’t happen to me very often… Of course they all hook up… Angelina does her normal “cock block” and thinks “sluts should be abused.” How are people NOT supposed to judge these people? I don’t know.

Sammi ends up sleeping with Ronnie and roll the cheesy montage of Mike with Sammi… all 30 seconds of it. Next on: more drama obviously!

What do you all think of all this? There have been countless complaints ever since the show premiered, even by the National Italian American Foundation. Again, how is it possible to NOT judge something that is so hilariously true? Like really, take a look at yourself. “Not all Guidos are dumb” yea right, Vinny, yea right…

Until the next fist pumping session Gudios and Guidettes,
just call me C-Wow.

Tags: correspondents, fist pump, jersey shore, MTV, things that are amazing, tv, tv recaps