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LOST Season Five Finale: I’ll loophole your loophole, you stupid loophole!

May 14th, 2009


Observe this photo very carefully, please.

Those of you who missed LOST last night are saying, right now, oh, it’s just Juliet with a gun. She’s hit a fair few people lately, I think she’s got a violent streak, but it’s no biggie.

Those of you who SAW the two-hour season finale “The Incident” last night are having a very different reaction to this photo. Something more like: HOLY CRIPES JULIET NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I know, I’m getting it too.

We can sit down and calmly talk about it, okay? Just let me get one more thing out of my system first: ATTACK OF THE LIVING DEAD! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

***HEAVY SPOILER WARNING, but come, let’s talk about that statue***

Okay, I’m far from calm, but probably you are feeling the same way if you, like, me, spent two hours curled up into a little ball on your couch last night going “Noooo!” at the television every other minute.

We’ve finally gotten to see the rest of the epic four-toed statue of lore, and anyone up on their world mythologies will notice that it’s clearly Egyptian in origin, from the ankh it’s holding and the fact that it has the head of an animal. Which, of course, only makes things MORE confusing: what the heck is it doing on this island? But then, you could say that of most things there.

Wanted: Do you know this man?

Wanted: Do you know this man?

I thought one great part of the episode was that we finally got to see one way the characters were all connected: they have all, at some point in their lives, had one brief, random encounter with the mysterious Jacob. Largely he seems to help people; he got Kate out of that petty theft thing, stopped Sayid from being killed along with Nadiya (although it could be argued that she may not have died if he’d been there, but that’s a bit too much complication for the moment), and was generally helpful to our LOSTies at important moments in their lives. (I loved his conversation with Hurley, too, they were both so chill about the weirdness of it).

Fine. But does that make him “the good guy” here? Or are he and black-shirted-guy just in some great eternal war with each other on this island, something like a chess game where everyone else is just a pawn to prove a point. If you watch this clip, you can see how that would make sense, with the boat (The Black Rock?!) and everything. But it doesn’t have to. Jacob seems like a nice dude, although Unnamed Black Shirt Guy and me can never be friends, I don’t think.

From the way he visited the Castaways, Kids Edition, he must know a lot about how time-lines and people work, but I guess he doesn’t know absolutely everything since Ben was able to STAB HIM DEAD, and he didn’t really put up a fight, or try to stop Evil! Locke from being, well, evil. Wasn’t it the biggest “OH SH*TE” moment EVER when Ilana and those other Ajira Air guys opened that box and REAL LOCKE was in there, dead? Yeah, you spilled your drink all over yourself, don’t lie.

How did Doppelganger Locke, or Evil! Locke, as I will call him, get there anyway? Black magic from Captain Black Shirt in the teaser? Whatever, until that’s explained, all we have is ZOMBIE LOCKE ATTACKS. Or rather, Zombie Locke gets BEN to be Evil, too. You know that whatever is behind him is likely also behind Reanimated Alex, and possibly Reanimated Christian Sheppard.


So, back to the Swan station. Radzinsky totally flipped the Mad Scientist switch in his brain, (even when Doctor Chang said ‘no’) and now he’s freaking out and yelling orders and the whole site is plunged into madness. When that crazy metal structure thing started collapsing I seriously thought we were gonna have a Hamlet situation on our hands, and everyone was gonna end up dead.

That (potentially) everyone was alive during the last minute of the episode was crazy, although my heart almost broke when Juliet fell down that shaft and Sawyer totally started sobbing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a Kate&Sawyer shipper this whole time, but I never wanted Juliet to DIE. I hoped she would just go off with Jack or something and everyone would be happy. And after all that metal stuff fell down there, I NEVER expected she’d be alive and SET OFF THE BOMB that might reverse this whole crazy island adventure completely.

So many things are left unanswered, STILL. What’s going to happen next season? Scattered episodes showing all the castaways living the what-could-have-been lives they’d have had sans plane crash? A season of Holy Heck We Are All Full of Radiation? Will Jack‘s theory have worked, and will everyone be alive again (I almost started crying when Sun found Charlie‘s “Drive Shaft” ring in Aaron‘s cradle)? Who is on Jacob‘s side here, and who is on Evil! Locke‘s? Where do Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking stand? Where the heck is Claire? And hey, why was Walt kidnapped back in season two anyway?

And of course, we’re left with the ultimate question that Miles raised: Did the survivors stop The Incident, or did they cause it?


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