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NO NO NO
May 20th, 2014
If you spend your nights awake, stressing about the impending zombie uprising, relax because the Pentagon has our backs covered. Okay, more like American backs covered, but I think the big picture is that they’ll try and protect everyone. I hope. Anyway, the Defense Department has released CONPLAN 8888, an unclassified document that details the steps they will take to eradicate the undead threat. (This likely means there’s also a classified document that basically reads: KILL. ‘EM. ALL!) The goals are as follows: 1) maintain a defensive perimeter to protect human life; 2) conduct operations that will eradicate zombie threats; and 3) aid civil authorities in restoring law and order. Seems easy enough. And yet, when it comes to pop culture, the Pentagon can NEVER get its shit straight. Case in point: The Walking Dead, Dawn Of The Dead, 28 Days Later, Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, Zombie Strippers, etc.
We came up with some other significant threats pop culture has made us worry about and determined the easiest for the military to dispose of them.
The Threat: Last year, SyFy’s much-talked/laughed-about Sharknado set cable records and truly tested the limits of disbelief suspension when it introduced a great terror no one had every worried about previously: a tornado full of man-eating sharks. Of course, if you fear sharks, you stay out of the ocean, but in this scenario, one could fly in through your bathroom window mid-bath.
Solution:: Ensure the public are safe and away from any form of entry a shark could fit through. When the storm is over, just send the troops out in shark-proof vehicles and blast the suckers. Or from an environmentalist’s perspective, humanely return them to the ocean. But remember, there’s always a sequel up ahead.
Level of concern: 3/10. They can be avoided.
The Threat: Both versions – the 1958 version starring Steve McQueen and the 1988 remake starring Drama from Entourage – centred on a mysterious gooey substance that terrorizes and consumes humans after a meteorite crashes to Earth. Really, it’s like if your Gak all of a sudden became carnivorous and took no prisoners. Yes, even a phone booth couldn’t keep you safe. Also, good luck finding a phone booth if the Blob ever surfaces.
Solution:: Duh! Obviously if you freeze this stuff it will die. Stick your Gak in with the fro-yo and see how it fares. Anyway, best thing to do is to move to Siberia, or one of the Poles to ensure you’re safe. Otherwise, let’s hope the army has plenty of liquid nitrogen on hand.
Level of concern: 7/10. I suppose liquid nitrogen might be tough to get your hands on.
The Threat: If you do relocate to a subzero climate you might have something else to worry about: “a parasitic extraterrestrial lifeform that assimilates other organisms and in turn imitates them.” (Via Wiki) John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of the scariest films ever because no one ever learns what the bloody hell the threat is. It’s possibly some mean organism from outer space, or maybe just the worst thing God created that he forgot to tell us about. Either way, you really can’t tell where it is, who it is or if it’s ever gone.
Solution: I dunno, but good luck. The way “the thing” infiltrates an Alaskan research camp, it could easily ruin us all in no time. Really, just hope for the best, but sleep with one eye open.
Level of concern: 10/10. Face it, we’re all doomed.
The Threat: The 1981 horror flick is set in Venice Beach, where scantily-clad people keep getting sucked into the sand by a flesh-eating something. Of course, it turns out to be some poorly imagined monster. That would be an easy kill once it’s discovered. However, as a kid, that VHS poster haunted my dreams, just because I thought the sand itself was sucking people down and eating them up. I mean, how the hell would you destroy sand?
Solution: If we’re talking flesh-eating sand, what can you do? Maybe just don’t go to beach and build a shopping mall over top of it?
Level of concern: Beachgoing tan addicts? 10/10. Everyone else? 0/10.
Those ridiculous monster hybrids SyFy keeps imagining
The Threat: Take one of nature’s biggest threats – shark, crocodile, alligator, octopus, piranha, snake – and cross it with, well, another of nature’s biggest threats – including dinosaurs, and you get: Mega Shark, Crocosaurus, Mega Python, Gatoroid, Giant Octopus, Piranhaconda, and Sharktopus, to name a few. Despite the problems that arise for the military, I’m sorry, but none of these things could withstand a few tank blasts to the face.
Solution: See tank blasts to the face.
Level of concern: 3/10. Just stay away from any body of water. Should be fine.
The Threat: Aliens, martians, little green men with giant brains, body snatchers, HR Giger-designed superinhumanoids, invisible soldiers with dreadlocks, etc, from another planet. Sometimes all it takes is a glass of water and a baseball bat, but most of the time, humans struggle to eliminate aggressive aliens. And with good reason: who knows what technology they’re packing?
Solution: Probably move everyone to another planet and hope the invaders don’t follow.
Level of concern: 9/10. It would be a 10, but who knows, maybe they’d be nice like E.T.