Please be my friend…

March 10th, 2010

gabourey-sidibe2

Dear Gabourey Sidibe,

May I call you Gabby? If we’re going to be friends then I think I should. Gabby – you are the bomb diggidy. Please be my friend. I have compiled the following letter in order to persuade you to be my bff.

You rocked the helloutta your performance in Precious. Big ups on that. If we were friends we could run lines together and I could pretend to throw frying pans at you.

You are hilarious in every interview that I’ve watched you in, as seen in the clip below of you on Jimmy Kimmel. I can’t believe you photo bombed Jake Gyllenhaal. You are much cooler than me. If I had walked behind him at the Oscars I would have cried like three year old Cody who doesn’t get to see Justin Bieber every day. Except it would have been embarrassing because I am much older than a three year old, but cry the same amount. You will obviously be the ‘cool’ one in our friendship.

You invited Justin Timberlake to the Oscars, but when he said no, you took your mom. If you asked me to go with you, I would have tripped Jessica Biel on the red carpet so that JT would realize how silly she is and how awesome you are. I’m that good of a friend. I could also use my amazing Photoshop skills to make pictures of you and JT together at the Oscars. Additionally, I would make a picture of me and Jake Gyllenhaal together, but that’s another subject. Your picture would obviously be made first.

You live in New York. I do not. Need a roomie? That could be me. I clean up my dishes, take quick showers and never talk through TV shows. I could PVR all of your interviews as well, and then we could watch them together and discuss how much funnier you are than the comedians interviewing you.

In closing, I’m hoping that you will take my proposal for life long friendship into consideration. I promise to always laugh at your jokes, hold your hair back if you’re sick and spread nasty rumours about anyone that is mean to you.

By the way, Howard Stern wears a wig made of monkey butt hair.