Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious [Episode 1]

February 20th, 2008

[This post is inspired by Rich at FourFour, our spark plug for all things amazing]

Hey, rapping sensation Lil Kim, the Pussycat Dolls show is back for a second season! What do you think of that?

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I knew you’d be excited!

Robin Antin just wants you to know that she is the brains behind the operation that is PCD, and since imitation is the greatest form of mockery (I mean, flattery), what better way to make a few more bucks than create another girl group called Girlicious? So many other better ways! Oh, Robin. Prepare to tank.

Robin tells us that she’s going to take three girls from “obscurity to international fame”, and that “Girlicious is what every girl will aspire to be”. Every budding young trollop, sure. The winning trio will possess “good vocals, dancing ability, and superstar charisma”. Host Mark McGrath explains that a national search concluded with 15 finalists, who’ve all come to Hollywood to show their stuff (read: implants & asses) to a panel of judges.

Asia, is that you? It’s too late, your time is gone. Not Asia? Sorry, my mistake.

We meet the finalists, and apparently awkward name spellings were a prerequisite. Nichole, Tiffanie, Charlye (pronounced “Charlie”) and Chrystina make my spell checker bleed.

Here’s Carrie. She’s 25 and she “reeeeallllly loves to party!”

She’s kind of like the Mom in Mean Girls, grasping at her youth with every claw and making sure the young’uns know how jiggy she is. I’m not saying 25 is old, I’m saying that Carrie looks 40.

Here’s Keshia. This is her “I’m a lesbian, you guys!” face:

Next, we learn about Charlye, whose father died of leukemia. But things can’t get too depressing on the Girlicious show: cue the vaginal tattoos!

“My name is Cassandra and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo ha.” Cut to shot of Keshia looking very interested. By the way, “my name is Cassandra and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo ha” is the new “my name is Cassandra, nice to meet you.”

This is where we meet Charlotte:

She is “so much more mature than a lot of these girls” and is just horrified about hoo ha cherries. Also, she’s lived on five continents and as such, “can relate to everybody”.

The girls are divided into 5 groups of 3, and each batch must perform a “classic” girl group song (2 of which are PCD tunes, natch). This is when our first dose of real drama hits the fan: the meeting of Charlotte and Natalie.

At first, Natalie thinks that Charlotte is her biggest competition, cause they both have Latin looks. Soon, Natalie just thinks Charlotte is annoying, because her father was a Diplomat and she lived all over the world and she studied at Berkeley (on a scholarship) and she plays three instruments. Of course, she could also be jealous.

Chelsea, is that you? No? My bad.

That’s Jenna, who like Chelsea, also struggles with her weight and can’t dance. She also can’t sing like Chelsea, but we’ll save that for another day. Jenna starts to feel sick during practice and takes a break to lay down. Her group mates are like, “eh, whateva”. Carrie, meanwhile, is also having problems with her dance moves, which frustrates choreographer Mikey to no end. He sighs, “Her look is so tragic, I can’t even begin to talk about it.” Back at drama camp, tension builds between Charlotte and Natalie. Nat, the good dancer, doesn’t have patience for Charlotte, the slow learner. Mikey asks if she’s upset. “No, I just wish we could learn more … Some people are just slower learners than others,” says Natalie the Passive Aggressive Wonder.

Sidenote: Kenn Hicks the vocal coach is a supreme master of sass, and I wish to see more of him.

After practice, Robin tells the girls that they’re going to an exclusive Interscope party at the Tom Tom Club – but they only have 15 minutes to get ready. *shriek!*

The beefing continues when Charlotte asks to borrow a pair of Natalie’s boots. Natalie, of COURSE, says no. An argument ensues. “Nobody said, ‘hey Natalie, pack boots for Charlotte,’ they said, ‘pack boots for Natalie.’” Thank you, Captain Obvious. The girls proceed to trash talk each other in separate cars; others are annoyed. By the by, did you notice that when driving to the club it was broad daylight, but when arriving at the club it was night time?

When Robin said “exclusive party”, what she meant was “nobody else will be there”. But then Nelly Furtads shows up for some KARAOKE, woo! Carrie is super excited, cause “They used to call me Carrie-oke”.

GET IT?!

After drawing songs out of a hat, half of them perform Sugar Ray’s “Fly” and the other half sing Nelly’s “I’m Like A Bird”. Natalie is “really nervous because Nelly Furtado is there”. Really? We didn’t get that. Charlotte scoffs at Natalie’s performance, calling her “tone deaf”. Meanwhile, Nelly’s having an AWESOME TIME:

After the club, Jenna confesses to a producer that she’s not feeling so hot, and they call 911. At the hospital, she’s diagnosed with a ruptured cyst and told to take it easy. The next day, she rolls into rehearsal on a wheelchair, shocking Robin and Mikey. “Can you dance in your wheelchair?” asks Robin.

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Bust it, girl.

I love how Jamie is like, “What if Jenna doesn’t get the dance steps right because she’s in a wheelchair, you know, and she just brings our whole group down?” Jamie = the essence of compassion. Later, Jenna loses the wheelchair and practices the way nature intended her to practice: mediocre-ly!

The next day, the 5 groups vamp it up for the judges Robin Antin, Chairman of Geffen Records Ron Fair and of course, Lil Kim. The groups, if you please:

* Tiffanie, Alexis, Megan (“Tainted Love” – as performed by PCD)
* Keisha, Ilisa, Carrie (“My Lovin’” – as performed by En Vogue)
* Jenna, Charlye, Jamie (“Where Did Our Love Go” – as performed by the Supremes)
* Nichole, Cassandra, Chrystina (“Right Now” – as performed by PCD)
* Charlotte, Natalie, Kristin (“We Got The Beat” – as performed by the Go Gos)

All the groups manage to turn it out ok, with the stand-outs being girls we have barely met thanks to Charlotte and Natalie. The judges say that Alexis (who?) has star power and they love Ilisa’s (the red head above)look.

In the end, it comes down to Charlotte, Natalie, Kristin, Keshia, Ilisa and Carrie. Ilisa is SAFE. And then.. Natalie is SAFE. And with pretty Charlotte and endearing lesbian Keshia left on the plate, they choose to save… CARRIE?!

Carrie, in her cheesy lounge waitress get-up? Carrie, with her Atlantic City lip-liner?! CARRIE-OKE??! Ok, fine. The girl can sing. But colour me shocked.

AND HOLD UP – is this Natalie in TEARS after her mortal enemy was eliminated?! Or just the powers of editing?