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It’s time for the FINALE!!!!!!! And soon we will find out who will be in GIRLICIOUS!!!

Excited Robin?

The episode started off with Chrystina telling Natalie that she feels like the underdog. Now, in the Rules Of Reality TV, this does not bode well for Chrystina since it means she’s the first to be highlighted and therefore will be the one who is eliminated. But perhaps the producers of the show now know that we know, so maybe they’ve mixed it up, ya know?

But this underdog talk ends well with Chrystina and Natalie agreeing that no matter what the outcome, they will still be friends. Awwww. Puke.

Then we switch over to Nichole and Charlye who are all cuddled up together, talking back and forth about God knows what. Honestly, I could not make any sense of it, but they did a fine job of finishing each other’s sentences.

“It’s just looking beyond –”

“– the surface of things.”

And thus starts what I like to call “The Episode of Speaking In Cliches.” But can you blame them? Week after week, we hear Robin bark out, “The rest of your life begins right now!” Of course this is gonna rub off on the girls, no?

And then for the PLASMA MESSAGE! (At least that’s what I think this “Tyra Mail” rip-off is called. I never really know what they yell out here when the plasma message comes because even though these girls can sing, articulation is not their forte).

“Hey Ladies, what’s up? It’s your girl Nicole from The Pussycat Dolls.”

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. How unnecessary is that intro? Hey Nicole, how about you introduce the other girls in the group instead because I still have no idea who they are.

One of the other no-name Dolls then tells us that there is one final lesson: “Trust yourself.”

I’m not convinced that “trust yourself” is a lesson. That’s not even fortune cookie worthy. But this is Robin Antin we are talking about, the Queen of Cliches, remember? “Trust yourself” is probably just a leftover from her young days as Mistress of Mantras.

And speaking of cliches, Nichole now can’t wait to use one:

“I just wanted to say thank you for seeing something in us.” And then goes on to say that she feels so “lucky” and that it’s “all hitting me now.”

Everyone thinks Nichole is so innocent and sweet, but I see beyond that bubblegum exterior. She’s a flat out brown-noser and it’s all for show. She’s even prematurely wiping non-existent tears. I’m on to her.

But Robin falls for it and actually produces real tears. Or is she just checking to make sure her latest botox injections aren’t leaking? You decide:

After that spout of emotion, it’s time to get down to business as Robin announces what the final performances are going to be.

We learn that first there will be a group performance and the girls will sing…

“Ladies Night!”

“by Kool and the Gang.”

Wow. “Ladies Night” produces whoops of joy but “Kool and the Gang” is an instant kill joy. This goes to show that these girls simply have no clue. What version of “Ladies Night” were they expecting? The one by unknown Japanese songstress Ayumi Hamasaki?

[Side note: No wonder Chrystina feels like such an underdog. Homegirl wore flip-flops to dance rehearsal.]

We then find out that after the group performance, everyone will sing their solos. The only one who is upset, of course, is Chrystina who doesn’t know her song: Heart’s “What About Love.”

Then it’s time for some one-on-ones with Ron.

When Natalie is asked how she gets along with the other girls, she responds:

“Well I’m one of the most compatible people I feel like in the house to be perfectly honest.”

Well Natalie, to be “perfectly honest,” you are a liar; generally when people are talking with their eyes closed, they have something to hide. Just sayin. And apparently you are someone who can’t figure out proper sentence structure.

Then it’s Charlye’s turn with Ron and when asked what would happen if she wasn’t in the group, she responds with: “I think that if I don’t make it in this group, I would go back to school.”

Ron’s reaction?

The look of death. I’m surprised we couldn’t see actual smoke come out of his ears. If there’s one thing that Ron hates, it’s that evil education.

And then to jump on the cliche bandwagon, Ron goes on to say that he needs people in the group who will hold hands with him and jump off cliffs. OK, I guess that’s not really a cliche, but more just the ramblings of a crazy person.

Then in singing rehearsal, Underdog Chrystina has trouble with her song to which Kenn Hicks says: “I think she needs to marinate with this and put herself in it.”

Kenn would know all about marinating as apparently he’s been marinating in a big tub of Vaseline and ultra shine lip gloss:

Though all kidding aside, I do have to say that I love Kenn Hicks. He seems to be the most compassionate person on this entire show and I dig that.

Then after dance rehearsal, Natalie becomes the sourpuss(ycat doll) and complains to Chrystina that Tiffanie was hogging all the attention. Chrystina tells Natalie not to get defeated, but Natalie thinks that being defeated is a good thing, stating:

“If I go into this blind, Chrystina, you don’t understand, if I sit here and be like I’m in the group and then my name is NOT called? Do you know what that would feel like?”

Um, yes Natalie, she would since she’s IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION AS YOU.

So then it’s off to practice their solos and everyone seemingly has their doubts. And of course Natalie continues the game of cliches by stating:

“I will take it to the top.”
“I will take it to the sky.”
“For me, the sky’s the limit.”

Then the girls are whisked off to the stage for their final performances!

Everytime Mark McGrath shows up, I think:

a- I totally forgot he was part of the show,
b- I totally forgot he still exists, and
c- Who’s the Neanderthal?

Hey Mark, 10,000 BC called - they need you for re-shoots.

The girls do their performance of “Ladies Night.”

Not only do they try to out-sing each other, they also compete to see who can swing their right arm around the best.

Then Tiffanie does her solo of “Natural Woman.”

There is absolutely nothing “natural” about this. All I see is the whites of her eyes and her hand slowly moving toward her naughty place. She’s like Linda Blair as Cruise Ship Performer.

Charlye then sings “Before He Cheats.” Meh.

Then Nichole sings “Giving Him Something He Can Feel” after which Lil Kim exclaims, “Oh Nichole, I just love you” to which Nichole responds, “I love YOU!”

Yeah right. Like Nichole has ever listened to a single Lil Kim song that wasn’t Lady Marmalade. Likely story…

Speaking of Lil Kim:

I fear for her breasts. That top of hers must be screaming. Something will surely pop.

Natalie then sings “Say It Right.” It’s pretty boooooring, but my favourite part?

No matter what concert or function you are at, there will always be one tall, awkward white guy boppin’ along to the beat.

Chrystina then sings “What About Love.”

Ron seems to thoroughly enjoy it. Or he’s had one drink too many:

He’s probably just thinking about jumping off cliffs.

Then the judges deliberate. When the girls are called back, the first member called out to be in Girlicious is….

Nichole!

Who bursts into a solo rendition of YMCA.

And then the second girl to be in Girlicious is….

Tiffanie!

Scariest. Reaction. Ever. At first I thought she had been shot, but no, these are convulsions of joy apparently. And it’s hideous. I’d hate to see her in actual pain.

Lil Kim is as equally disgusted as I:

Then Robin tells us that the next name that is called will NOT be in Girlicious. And that person is…

Charlye!

Charlye really got a raw deal here. Usually when people get kicked out, they get some time to share some parting words of wisdom, to hang up their boa, but no, not Charlye. She just walks into the black abyss that is stage right, never to be heard of again.

But then the twist! (That’s not really a twist, but rather just something completely obvious).

Girlicious will be FOUR girls instead of three! Everyone falls to the ground in joy…

…but to me, it looks like they are all losing their shit as if they were in the firey pits of Hell:

After seeing this, I’m now fully convinced that Robin Antin is Satan and Girlicious will be her group of demon sidekicks. Absolutely frightening.

So there you have it folks: GIRLICIOUS!!!!

And now for their debut music video:

But I have to ask: who are these people? I don’t recognize anyone from the actual show. The girl in the front looks like the lesbian bartender from The OC. And the others? Never seem them before in my life.

Which just goes to show that no matter who you are, in this funny business we call Show, you can be transformed into someone you’re not. And isn’t that what being a role model is all about?

*crickets crickets*

At least Robin is still happy:

Check out the following music videos from Girlicious!

Debut Video: Like Me
Web Only Video: Stupid Sh*t

Previous Recaps:

Episode 1 Weecap
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7 (Clip show)
Episode 8
Episode 9

Posted on Friday, April 25th, 2008 at 11:33 am by Soja and is filed under We <3 TV.

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• Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious [Episode 2]
• Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious [Episode 7]