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So here we are: Rock The Cradle. Another Reality TV Show. Another singing competition. Another show to recap. And I say, bring it on. If there’s one thing I love, it’s cheese and I feel this show will have plenty of it. So let’s get started, shall we?

Meet your host: Ryan Seacrest Devlin. Awkward and trying too hard, Devlin will take us on this wonderful journey that is corny jokes and misread teleprompters. But more importantly, lets meet the contestants, the 9 young spawn of famous musical parents, who have rock and roll dreams of their own.

We have Eddie Money’s daughter, Jesse Money; Bobby Brown’s son, Landon Brown; Olivia Newton-John’s daughter, Chloe Lattanzi; The Eagles’ Joe Walsh’s daughter, Lucy Walsh; Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider’s son, Jesse Blaze Snider; Al B. Sure’s son, Lil B. Sure; Doobie Brother Tom Johnston’s daughter, Lara Johnston; MC Hammer’s daughter, A’Keiba Burrell-Hammer; and Kenny Loggins’ son, Crosby Loggins.

From the promos and intro video alone, Lucy Walsh is already my favourite. Her assured cockiness when she says, “It’s pretty nuts to be a Walsh, and to be taking over the family business,” accompanied by the confident head tilt, totally wins me over. She’s got chutzpah.

Ok, during all this talky-talky introduction, questions galore are popping into my head, namely:

Who the F is Ryan Devlin? Really.
Dee Snider: long lost brother of Karl Lagerfeld?
Why hasn’t MC Hammer aged at all since the 80s? Creepy.
And why is Ryan referring to everyone as either an MTV Legend or MTV Icon?

Moving on: to start things off, all contestants have to pick a song that defines their relationship with their “megastar parent.”

First up, Jesse Money with 3 Doors Down’s “When I’m Gone.”

She looks good. Sounds mediocre. Boooo! And where is this crazy high note she was bragging about? “Love me when I’m gone?” No, more like “forget me when I’m gone.” Done and done.

I also love how she had her body compared to Madonna’s. Sure, Madonna has a freaky toned body for her age, but this girl is what? - Late teens? Early 20s? I wouldn’t know if I should be flattered or insulted.

Anyways, I would give this performance a 7.

Judges scores:

Belinda Carlisle: 8.5
Jamie King: 8.5
June Ambrose: 7
Larry Rudolph: 8.5
Total: 32.5

Note to Belinda: Lay off the botox. The expression in your voice does not match the expression in your face and therefore you scare me. Ventriloquist dummy? Or just a dummy?

Next up, Landon Brown with Seal’s “Crazy”

He also looks good. Also sounds mediocre. Ah yes, when he goes into his higher register it’s much better. I was worried for a second. But Larry Rudolph had told Jesse Money that he wasn’t sure she had that “star quality” and I wonder if the same is true for Mr. Landon Brown. What exactly is this guy’s prerogative? (Yes, I said it).

I would give this a 6.5.

Scores:

Belinda: 7.5
Jamie: 5.0
June: 7.5
Larry: 6.5
Total: 26.5

Eek. That’s rough. I don’t know if glassy-eyed Bobby Brown is strong enough for a show like this…

Chloe Lattanzi with INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart”

A bit stiff. But she definitely has an interesting sounding voice. Eek, the high notes are a bit rough. Great song though. At least she has a great song… And I’m not sure how I feel about her playing the “oh I’m so shy” card. Like, be on the show or don’t be on the show, but don’t be all “aw, shucks.” Right? But, at least she gave her mom goosebumps.

I would give this a 7.

Scores:

Belinda: 9.5
Jamie: 5
June: 6.5
Larry: 4.5
Total: 25.5

Wow - other than Belinda’s, those scores suck. I’m sure Belinda’s is purely just a pity vote though. Like, I could totally see Belinda and Olivia being friends, reminiscing about the good ol’ days, with pillow fights and ice cream and botox injections. No?

Lucy Walsh: Don Henley’s “Heart Of The Matter.”

Ok, earlier I said that Lucy Walsh was already my favourite even though I hadn’t heard her sing. Well guess what? She is still my favourite. She sounded great, had a cool tone to her voice, and chose a great song. Something about her just pops and I love it. And the fact that her father doesn’t want to be a part of the show, it showed a certain sadness and truth (yes, some reality shows can actually show glimmer(s) of truth), and so it actually feels like she is fighting harder than the rest - it comes across. So yay to Lucy.

I would give this a 9.5 (she lost half of a point for being a bit too earnest with her pained expression and finger-pointing).

Scores:

Belinda: 9
Jamie: 9.5
June: 8
Larry: 10
Total: 36.5

I’m not liking this “June” character. She is giving low scores all across the board and all she has to offer in tips is to not be too much like Gwen Stefani. My tip for June? Stop being too much like someone no one likes.

Jesse Snider: Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll”

Ha! I like this Jesse Snider guy. He seems charismatic and funny enough. “Can I sing as good as Robert Plant? No. But can I kick-ass a little better than Robert Plant? I think I can.”

Well let’s see, Jesse…

This guy is all jokes and I enjoy it. I mean, the leather pants, the open leather jacket with fringe, the bare chest, it’s too much for me to handle. But he’s not as hardcore as maybe he thinks he is. He sounds like cheesy 80’s Bon Jovi doing Zeppelin (but to be honest, I’m not necessarily sure that’s a bad thing). And he does a backflip for good measure. I would give this an 8.

Scores:

Belinda: 5
Jamie: 9
June: 7.5
Larry: 9
Total: 30.5

If there is one word these judges don’t know, it’s “consistency.” These people haven’t agreed on anything thus far.

Lil B. Sure: Donny Hathaway’s “A Song For You”

Hm. This guy sounds really good. But that weird falsetto thing at the end was a bit anti-climatic. But overall, not too shabby. I’m curious to see what this Lil B. Sure will come up with next week. I’ll B. Sure it’ll be decent. (Zing!)

I would give this an 8.5.

Aside: Anyone else find it odd that he referred to his dad as a “panty dropper?”

Scores:

Belinda: 6
Jamie: 8.5
June: 7.5
Larry: 9
Total: 31

Why does Ryan Devlin insist on making “sleeping in” jokes? It wasn’t funny the first time, it’s not going to be funny the fifth time. Give it up, Devlin.

Lara Johnston: Avril Lavigne’s “I’m With You”

A tad pitchy, but a strong voice for a 17-year old without any live performance experience. But yeah, pitchy, not unlike Avril herself (I kid, I kid… sort of).

I would give this a 7.

Aside: This girl is in need of a major makeover. Something needs to be done with that frazzled hair and awkward bangs. Pronto.

Scores:

Belinda: 8
Jamie: 5
June: 7
Larry: 8.5
Total: 28.5

A’Keiba Burrell-Hammer: Jennifer Hudson’s “Love You I Do”

Nicely done, A’Keiba. My only criticism? You sounded exactly like Jennifer Hudson (only maybe not quite as good). So what’s the point? I predict June will say, “I don’t want to see you do Jennifer Hudson. I want to see the true A’Keiba!” June has already become predictable like that. Oh, and even though I enjoyed this performance, it was a bit bland.

I would give this an 8.5.

Scores:

Belinda: 10
Jamie: 7.5
June: 9
Larry: 8
Total: 34

Crosby Loggins: Elvis Costello’s “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love & Understanding?”

There’s something about this Crosby guy that I like. He’s a bit of a dork (someone get him a blazer that fits him properly), but his choice of music and the guitar playing sets him a part from the others - I appreciate that.

Although I’m not at all overwhelmed (or whelmed at all), I would give this performance an 8.5.

Scores:

Belinda: 8.5
Jamie: 7.5
June: 9
Larry: 8.5
Total: 33.5

SO what did we learn from Episode 1 of Rock The Cradle?

1. Host Ryan Devlin is an idiot.
2. Celebrity has-beens age in weird ways.
3. Lucy Walsh is safe from elimination. Woohoo!

Posted on Monday, April 21st, 2008 at 1:19 pm by Soja and is filed under We <3 TV.

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• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 2
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 3
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 4
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 5
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 6 [Finale]