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Here we are at the finale of Rock The Cradle, after only 6 short weeks. You’d think I’d have something better to do with my life, but no, apparently not. So let’s just get right to the Final 3 since it’s all about them (and sadly, not all about me… for once).

Right off the bat, host Ryan Devlin introduces the Final 3 with a dramatic voice over. First we have…

“Crosby Loggins: the perfectionist…” Is he really?

“Jesse Snider: the rebel…” Look at him. Such a bad ass, eh?

and finally, “Chloe Lattanzi: the complex soul…”

I love her laugh-out-loud reaction to this label that’s been put upon her. She thinks it’s just as ridiculous as I.

So after a lengthy recap, Crosby hits the stage out of nowhere and performs The Raconteurs’ Steady As She Goes.

Why? Who knows. Since judges’ points no longer matter, I guess these are all just just-for-the-fun-of-it performances…

Yup, they are - and now Chloe sings The Clash’s Should I Stay Or Should I Go.

Um, Chloe - don’t ask questions for which you don’t want to have an answer.

And now Jesse is tackling Good Charlotte’s The Anthem. (See? Badass).

So this has been a medley of sorts, one that I never want to hear again.

We all know that since this is an hour-long finale, and with only 3 contestants left, they have to find ways to stretch it out, thus the lengthy recap of the ENTIRE 5 PREVIOUS EPISODES. And once again I must relive the elimination of Lucy Walsh… Why do you sadden me so, Rock The Cradle?!

Oh dear Lord, now we are forced to sit through repeat performances of the final 3’s parents’ biggest hits from episode 3, but this time they are joined by their parents on stage. First - Jesse with his dad, singing Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Going To Take It.

Now I must interject here: these “kids” are trying to break out from under their parents’ respective shadows, yet they are forced to sing their parents’ biggest hits? That is completely nonsensical - and perfectly reflects the ridiculousness that is this show. And if there is one thing that I love, it’s ridiculousness.

Anyway, now Chloe sings her mom’s I Honestly Love You - with her mom. And it is the oddest performance ever. Having Olivia Newton-John come out in the middle of Chloe’s dark, rocker rendition of her song, only to sit on a big throne and try to sing along as her daughter pulsates on stage. (Who knew that Sandra Dee would end up giving birth to Rizzo?)

So. Odd. And I oddly liked it. Does that make me weird? Does it? Anyone…?

And finally it’s time for Crosby to sing his dad’s I’m Alright. But what was with that awkward, half-assed cartwheel off the top? Leave the acrobatics to Jesse, Crosby. But I have to admit, I’ve actually never heard this song before (well, before Crosby sang it in Episode 3).

So this is Kenny Loggins’ biggest hit? Why not sing Footloose or Danger Zone or something? Something I can effin’ dance to!

And now for the first elimination of the night: Chloe Lattanzi. With, of course, yet another look back at her journey on Rock The Cradle. But to be fair, Chloe seems to have come a long way. She was so fragile in Episode 1 and now she seems like she has gotten stronger. I’ve never seen anyone smile this big during an elimination before.

I’m happy for her. She seems to leaving with her head held high. (Cheesy, I know. Wha-whaaa).

And of course we now get even more performances from the remaining two contestants (re: streeeeeetching this out). Jesse does Britney Spears’ Hit Me Baby One More Time… and seems to forget the lyrics in the end, after he awkwardly group hugs the past contestants who are hanging out on stage left. (Poor A’Keiba gets put into a choke-hold and Lucy is left hanging).

How does one not know the lyrics to this song? It was only shoved down our throats from 1999 onward. And lesson learned: Group hugs during performances are just plain weird.

And after three false starts, Crosby sings The Bravery’s Believe. And his mic isn’t on. And then Jesse runs back onto stage to grab his coat which he threw on to the stage during his usual disrobing/performing.

Wow - everything seems to be falling apart. It’s mass chaos! Better announce the winner. Quick! Before pigs blood falls from the rafters and everyone burns!

(PS: I hope the winner is Jesse. He seems like a better entertainer overall. And plus he’s Lucy’s “best friend” and Lucy wants me to vote for him and I must do what Lucy tells me to do - Ah! She’s brainwashed me!)

And finally, the winner is… Crosby?

Um, CROSBY?! I did NOT see that coming, I must say. Did not. Wow. Oh well.

And now one more song by Crosby as the mandatory confetti falls… Please! Just stop already! I’ve had enough!

But wait - it’s his own song he’s singing? It’s called Good Enough. Hm - it’s actually not that bad. Has kind of a “90s Wallflowers” vibe to it, which I don’t really mind. I guess it really is good enough. (Again: Wha-whaaaa).

[And that Wallflowers reference is fitting since the lead singer, Jakob Dylan, is Bob Dylan's son. Who knew that Jakob Dylan would end up being the true Rocker Of Cradles...]

And thus ends Rock The Cradle. But if reality shows like this of yesteryear are of any indication, the chances of us hearing from any of these people ever again are… pretty slim.

But I don’t want to end on such a sad note, so instead let’s look at this closing shot of Lara Johnston:

How cute and fresh-faced does she look? She should’ve had her hair back in a ponytail like that since Day 1.

Somewhere, June Ambrose is beaming.

Previous Recaps:

Episode 5
Episode 4
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1

Posted on Monday, May 26th, 2008 at 2:01 pm by Soja and is filed under We <3 TV.

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• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 5
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 3
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 2
• Rock The Cradle Recap - Episode 4
• Rock The Cradle Is A-Comin’