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Essential summer listening.
July 7th, 2008
Once children are too old to watch the happy and innocent Teletubbies and Doodlebops, they move on to Miley and the brothers Jo. And from there, it only gets worse. Pop culture is full of disturbing temptations and what better place to seed such evils than in the lyrics of a song which are then masked by infectious melodies and hip gyrating beats. Currently, there are a few songs on the airwaves that are seriously troubling and corrupting our youth – so I have taken it upon myself to present them to you for what they truly are: dark-sided.
Danity Kane – Damaged
The 5 young women of Danity Kane look healthy enough, but don’t be fooled; according to Damaged, their recent hit single, they are in some serious distress. What at first sounds like a catchy dance tune, quickly morphs into a screaming cry for help. They stutter, gasp for air, and madly search for First Aid kits, asking for assistance due to multiple heart attacks. (They apparently have holes in their ventricles!) At one point they get so desperate that they even carefully spell out the words “h-e-a-r-t” and “d-a-m-a-g-e-d” in hopes to get their point across. Sadly, four whole minutes later, seemingly no one has come to their aid. Children will surely believe that our Health Care system has left them for d-e-a-d. It’s a bleak look at humanity, Folks – one which will deeply scar your impressionable child.
Rihanna – Take A Bow
Oh, please – we are on to you, Rihanna. You sang of being a murderous adulteress in your hit, Unfaithful, and you may have gotten away with it then, but not now. With your new ditty Take A Bow you try to turn the tables. Do you really believe that a man who cheats deserves “a round of applause” and a “standing ovation”? Oh right, you would. You are poisoning the minds of today’s youth! Think of the children, Rihanna… Think of the children!
Weezer – Pork And Beans
Don’t be fooled by the boys of Weezer. Their latest offering, Pork And Beans, is a sneaky tune that will turn the minds of today’s youth to mush. It sneakily tries to grab the attention of the little ones with its Dr. Suess-like lyrics and simple melody. It goes, “Everyone likes to dance to a happy song/With a catchy chorus and beat so they can sing along/Timbaland knows the way to reach the top of the charts/Maybe if I work with him I can perfect the art.” The issue here is, they ARE singing a happy song with a catchy chorus. They don’t NEED Timbaland. Joke’s on us? No, no, Weezer – joke is on YOU. Nothing is worse – NOTHING – than a song that insults our intelligence and the intelligence of our children in one fell swoop.
Madonna – 4 Minutes
Do we really only have 4 minutes to save the world? Can the World actually be saved in just 4 minutes? Why only 4? And who anointed this Madonna of Pop the conveyor of such divine knowledge? I have no answers, except for one: this song could potentially make a socially-conscious and literally-minded child veeerrrry nervous. It simply breeds paranoia.
Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up
What at first listen can be perceived as a motivational song about the importance of goals and ambitions, is actually a song full of subliminal messages. According to the latest offering from The Pussycat Dolls, when they grow up they want to have “groupies,” but what one subliminally hears is, “When I grow up I want to have boobies.” Not only will such negative messaging breed major issues of body dysmorphia, but when one grows up and wants to have boobies, THIS happens: Busty Heart.
Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart
The lyrics go a little something like this “You gotta spend some time with me/And I know that you’ll find love/I will possess your heart.” The song goes on to say, “There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection” and “You reject my advances and desperate pleas/I won’t let you, let me down so easily.” Two words for you: Cree. Py. Children beware: This isn’t a sad song about yearning and unrequited love – this man’s a stalker! – it’s a “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti” song. Speaking of eating liver…
Nelly Furtado – Maneater
There is nothing subliminal here, it’s all pretty obvious: Nelly Furtado is a straight-up crazy person. She’s walking into rooms, screaming, demanding attention, moving her body like a nympho, and eating men. In my books, any song that promotes cannibalism is not cool. All that other stuff is fine though.Tweet