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January 21st, 2013
I have a message for Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. Just stop it already. I get it. Cupid has dealt you both some big blows lately. Justin, your relationship with Selena Gomez, which seemed rock solid for two years, which is more like 20 years when you factor in your ages and the entertainment business, appears to be done for good. It sucks large. I get it. Taylor, he seemed to have it all. The hair, the eyes, the closet full of jeans that were tight enough for you to borrow. We gave you guys the name Haylor after only a few days together because it looked like the real deal. But alas, Harry Styles was not the one. At least he left you with a name that’s easy to rhyme in songs. Dirty Lies. Make Me Cries. Waste of Airmiles. And so forth.
I know, I know, you both feel like Eeyore with a little storm cloud following you around. Taylor, excellent job with the knock-out dresses at the People’s Choice Awards and The Golden Globes. You put on a brave, smoking hot front. Thumbs up. Justin, you’re busy promoting Believe Acoustic have a full schedule of touring.
But you two need to stop it already. Stop tweeting messages that indicate you’re writing songs about revenge. Don’t Instagram pictures of yourself in the studio with cryptic lines that really only lead us to believe you’re about to air your business in your music. You’re trying to get a rise out of people and it’s working. You know who you should get a rise out of? Your exes. You know how to do it? Say nothing. Noth-ing. The best way to make your ex go crazy is to pretend you’ve already forgotten them.
Sure, release an album with lyrics that work as thinly veiled references to your ex and make millions. Shoot a music video with an actor that looks suspiciously close to your ex. Go ahead, make my day. Just stop teasing about it right now. Stop using Instragram, which essentially is a business tool when you pass one million followers, like it’s your personal Facebook page in junior high. Quit it. Just keep it to yourself and then release your music. Remember how much Justin Timberlake talked about Britney Spears when they broke up? Wait, he didn’t. He just released this video and owned the break up. Owned it.
Now get off the internet and start eating candy and watching The Notebook incessantly like the rest of us.Tweet