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The 28 Things that Happened at the Billboard Music Awards

May 19th, 2014

2014 Billboard Music Awards

1. It’s an award show, so of course Pitbull kicked off the festivities. I don’t even think I’d tour if I was Pitbull. I’d just hang out and wait for award shows on Sunday nights.


2. When was the last time you saw Shania Twain? I don’t remember either, but it doesn’t matter. The woman doesn’t age. WOW.


3. Imagine Dragons win the first award of the night for Top Rock Album of the Year while in their hometown in Las Vegas. That’s pretty sweet.

4. I’m very happy to see my Danica, who was unceremoniously voted off Dancing With The Stars. I’ll still watch tonight’s finale at 8E/5P on M3, because it better be Meryl who wins or I’m gonna be seeew mad.


5. OneRepubic are so freaking good live. I should be sick of Counting Stars, but I can’t get enough of this song. Also, there is a Prince Harry look alike jamming out behind Jordin Sparks. Is that the guy from I Wanna Marry Harry? I would think the actual Prince Harry would have better seats.


6. Um, this show is three hours. Holy Phillip Phillips. This may be my greatest test of mental stability yet. Like, seriously, that’s a long ass show. Oh wait, Iggy,
Charlie XCX and Ariana are up. I’m good now. Wait, is Ariana Grande wearing a Kabalah bracelet? Are people still doing that?


7. So far there have been four performances and every crowd shot has been a non-celeb. I’m assuming that’s because all the famous people are backstage waiting to perform since, you know, this is three hours!!

8. Got the first Solange/Jay Z joke out of the way with Mark Cuban and it got quite a few boos. I agree with the reaction, but that’s just because it was a crappy joke.

9. Now it’s the Florida Georgia Line, who in addition to helping me with geography, are also showing me that they have a song in addition to Cruise. I’m learning so much!


10. Shakira’s performance required a quick pan away when she got a little too handsy with herself. Plus, I think the lip syncing thing is still running rampant with this one.


11. 5 Seconds of Summer are performing their super catchy song She Looks So Perfect. You know, as opposed to their other super catchy songs. These kids are gonna be billionaires if they play this heartthrob thing right.


12. Lorde takes home the award for Best New Artist and deservedly so. Get it gurl.

13. We’ve had a few satellite acceptance speeches, but now Katy Perry is giving a satellite performance of Birthday. I’m pretty sure it could have been any song from her set list, it just so happens that this is what she was performing when there was a lull in the Billboard Awards.


14. Back to Vegas, Imagine Dragons are performing Tiptoe and I am so stoked to see these dudes at the MMVAs!


15. Kesha is back and looks killer. Girlfriend is keeping it chic and I don’t see any glitter or neon. That is Kesha, right? On to the next confusing question, is that Michael Jackson? Yup, a Michael Jackson hologram. These things are so weird. If any of my loved ones are reading this, please don’t make me into a hologram when I die.


16. Lorde wins again, this time for Top Rock, and again makes a really great speech, this time thanking the people you don’t often see working behind the scenes at a record label. This one’s a class act, I tell ya.

17. First it was Shania Twain, now it’s time for Ricky Martin to show off his ability to stop aging. Martin performs his latest track Vida, which you can look forward to hearing in your next Zumba class.


18. Robin Thicke shows up to accept his award for R and B Song of the Year for Blurred Lines because it’s still 2012 and thanks his wife, again, because it’s still 2012.

19. Next up is Lorde performing Tennis Courts and of course, does it flawlessly. She totally woke up like that. See you in June, Lorde!


20. Woops, back to country. There must be a spotting of a Country artist every five minutes on the Billboard Awards. This time it’s Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood, who should always perform with Lambert. This is the most comfortable I’ve seen her look ever. Like, ever ever.


21. Annnd back to satellite. Miley Cyrus accepts her award for Best Streaming Artist, drops an ‘F’ bomb and then we’re back to the live show. It’s time for Chrissy Teigen and her new bangs to introduce her hubby John Legend and his song All Of Me, which he wrote for her. Pretty hard to beat that, fellas.


22. Florida Georgia Line win Best Country for Cruise, again, the only song I know by them.

23. Because the Billboard Awards love showing off good looking couples, now Jordin Sparks is introducing boyfriend Jason Derulo. The pop singer performs Wiggle with Snoop Dogg and Talk Dirty with 2 Chainz. And he has a trampoline.


24. Satellite time again! Back to Miley and her potty mouth, this time performing Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds with help from Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips.


25. Carrie Underwood takes home the Milestone Award, showing that Country music is no freaking joke.

26. Looks like Robin Thicke is still trying to make the marriage thing happen and performs his new song Get Her Back. Here’s a thought – don’t step out on your wife in the first place. Otherwise, good track.


27. Justin Timberlake wins Top Artist and, of course on satellite, makes a hilarious speech and thanks everyone on earth, except Donald Sterling. Fair enough.

28. J Lo finishes off the anti-aging awards with a performance of her new song First Love and by accepting her Billboard Icon Award because she’s sold a billion of everything.


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