The Smell Of Success

August 10th, 2007

M By Mariah Carey

Scrawling through the MuchNews headlines yesterday – highly recommended, you should do it, ya know once you’re done with Red Hot Much – I came across two stories about celebs launching a scent in their likeness, with the Beckhams and Mariah Carey making contributions to the already over-saturated perfume market.

I’ve always been perplexed by the concept: As a kid I was raised with the belief that celebrities with scents were those making a tacky attempt to slow their decline from B-list to C-list. Elizabeth Taylor‘s White Diamonds being the prime example. Like, here’s the last ditch effort you make after your career has come and gone, you’ve gone through seven husbands (though I think she was married to one of them twice), and generally gone loco.

But today it’s announced that Beyonce will bootyliciously belt in ads for Emporio Armani’s Diamonds. Meanwhile Britney‘s launching her third effort, Believe, with an ad that may or may not feature a body double.

We’ve gotten to the point where celeb fragrances are so commonplace, there are couples (David and Victoria Beckham‘s recently announced Intimately Beckham), pseudo couples (Les Olsens) and even couples that are so dunzo hawking aromatics (Diddy and J.Lo, with their multiple scents on the market, have respective strongholds on the men’s and women’s celeb stink genre.)

Wait. We’re glossing over something crucial here: Does anyone really want to smell like the intimate bits of the Becks? He’s a sweaty footie playing bloke, when he’s not benched (and when he’s benched he’s around other sweaty smelly soccer studs, so it’s safe to assume that he reeks on account of osmosis.)

Vicki is all plastic. And what do you get when you swathe plastic lady that parts in skin tight, non breathable Gucci trou? A vacuum effect that’s all funk, not to mention a breeding ground for bacteria. Not hot.

Okay, I know that “natural scent” is the scent these days – pheromone aftershave, anyone? – but there’s a difference between pheromones and knee sweat. Believe me, there’s a difference.

For that matter, could someone explain the appeal of dousing oneself in eau de celebrity? If you’ve never actually met the star in question and can’t account for their smell, why drop a couple bills to smell like them? And is it considered dishonest if Britney‘s Curious doesn’t actually smell like Britney? Or just good business sense? Because if fans wanted the real thing couldn’t they just buy a bag of Cheetos, blend with Jager, bodily fluid and cigarettes, blend and spray liberally?

And now time to make a fun lil’ list: Which celebs would you want to smell like and who would you definitely not want to reek of?

I’m thinking Dakota Fanning – the only wholesome and non-drug-addled (that we know of) creature left in Tinseltown, it seems a safe assumption that she’d smell like soap. Maybe bubblegum. Inoffensive enough.

For the stinkers, it’s a tie: Pre-prison Paris or Pete Doherty. I don’t even want to speculate on what he smells like…

Photograph Courtesy Getty Images

Posted on Friday, August 10th, 2007 at 11:17 am by Liz and is filed under Celebrities & Pop Culture.