The Smell Of Success

August 10th, 2007

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M By Mariah Carey

Scrawling through the MuchNews headlines yesterday - highly recommended, you should do it, ya know once you’re done with Red Hot Much - I came across two stories about celebs launching a scent in their likeness, with the Beckhams and Mariah Carey making contributions to the already over-saturated perfume market.

I’ve always been perplexed by the concept: As a kid I was raised with the belief that celebrities with scents were those making a tacky attempt to slow their decline from B-list to C-list. Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds being the prime example. Like, here’s the last ditch effort you make after your career has come and gone, you’ve gone through seven husbands (though I think she was married to one of them twice), and generally gone loco.

But today it’s announced that Beyonce will bootyliciously belt in ads for Emporio Armani’s Diamonds. Meanwhile Britney’s launching her third effort, Believe, with an ad that may or may not feature a body double.

We’ve gotten to the point where celeb fragrances are so commonplace, there are couples (David and Victoria Beckham’s recently announced Intimately Beckham), pseudo couples (Les Olsens) and even couples that are so dunzo hawking aromatics (Diddy and J.Lo, with their multiple scents on the market, have respective strongholds on the men’s and women’s celeb stink genre.)

Wait. We’re glossing over something crucial here: Does anyone really want to smell like the intimate bits of the Becks? He’s a sweaty footie playing bloke, when he’s not benched (and when he’s benched he’s around other sweaty smelly soccer studs, so it’s safe to assume that he reeks on account of osmosis.)

Vicki is all plastic. And what do you get when you swathe plastic lady that parts in skin tight, non breathable Gucci trou? A vacuum effect that’s all funk, not to mention a breeding ground for bacteria. Not hot.

Okay, I know that “natural scent” is the scent these days - pheromone aftershave, anyone? - but there’s a difference between pheromones and knee sweat. Believe me, there’s a difference.

For that matter, could someone explain the appeal of dousing oneself in eau de celebrity? If you’ve never actually met the star in question and can’t account for their smell, why drop a couple bills to smell like them? And is it considered dishonest if Britney’s Curious doesn’t actually smell like Britney? Or just good business sense? Because if fans wanted the real thing couldn’t they just buy a bag of Cheetos, blend with Jager, bodily fluid and cigarettes, blend and spray liberally?

And now time to make a fun lil’ list: Which celebs would you want to smell like and who would you definitely not want to reek of?

I’m thinking Dakota Fanning - the only wholesome and non-drug-addled (that we know of) creature left in Tinseltown, it seems a safe assumption that she’d smell like soap. Maybe bubblegum. Inoffensive enough.

For the stinkers, it’s a tie: Pre-prison Paris or Pete Doherty. I don’t even want to speculate on what he smells like…

Photograph Courtesy Getty Images

Posted on Friday, August 10th, 2007 at 11:17 am by Liz and is filed under Celebrities & Pop Culture.

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2 Responses to “The Smell Of Success”

  1. Hahaha I definitely wouldn’t want to smell like that scag, Pete Doherty! And not Roseanne either. Or any other greasy, fatty celeb.

    By fez on August 10, 2007 at 3:05 pm |

  2. I know, eh Fez? The thing is — you look at pictures of Pete Doherty and you wanna pinch your nose! With that lifestyle he can’t not smell rank n’ ripe. In person it might be that much worse. Though maybe it’s a matter of you would expect for him to smell so very bad, that in person you’re actually kind of pleasantly surprised. Just on the sheer basis that his odour isn’t as offensive as it could be.

    Or maybe not.

    I was covering warped with Much yesterday and I was shocked by how decent some of these rockers smell after weeks on the road. A few of them make a point in showering as much as possible, even if its tough. The guys from Biffy Clyro said that sometimes they’ll brave 50-minute queues just to rinse off. Can’t imagine Mr. Doherty doing that… Though even if Pete won’t shower — he bears the look of an au naturel type — he doesn’t have to stink.

    The dudes from Boys Like Girls gave me wicked advice: In a pinch, deodorant, baby wipes, talcum powder and cologne are all good ways to fake a “clean” smell. And if nothing else, they said, change your underpants daily.(Got that Doherty?)

    Based on Roseanne’s recent blogging controversy, d’you figure she’d smell like the hooch above anything else?

    I don’t know, I think a bourbon-scented perfume might actually sell ;)

    By Liz on August 12, 2007 at 10:20 am |

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